Hummingbirds Visit

My eyeballs just opened on their own accord at 5am. I love when that happens. Even if I don’t get enough hours of sleep. I LOVE waking up early – before the kids – and feeling like I’ve got enough rest.

So now I’m showered (much overdue) and sitting here on the couch with a YouTube fall ambience video playing in the background. Coziest.

Yesterday was a year since we lost our Nani.

I can’t believe it’s already been a year because I think I’ve spent a good chunk of that time believing she is still here, just sitting in her armchair next to her bed – waiting for us to visit.

Sat right here yesterday to watch two hummingbirds flying around. According to the Internet, a hummingbird is “widely interpreted in modern grief traditions and various cultures as a comforting sign that a deceased loved one is near.”

I also CAN believe it’s been a year because no more voicemails. No more Stevie Wonder messages of her singing, “I just called to sayyyyyyy…I love you,” signing off with “Love, Nani” as if she were writing us a letter.

I miss her.

It’s not until I actually sit down and write about it or truly pause and think about it that the emotions come flooding forward. Because, of course, with two small kids, who has time to emotionally process anything?

So I guess this morning pause is a nice way to let the grief come through. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her.

I know we all did a good job of telling her just how much we loved and appreciated her, but man I wish she could just stick around somehow and see how her legacy carries on. How we all gather and connect and love each other so hard because of the foundations she laid for us.

And my children have sensed the tears because here they are waking up earlier than usual. MAMA, NO TIME FOR YOUR OWN TEARS. COME DEAL WITH MINE.

Okay, bye!