Remember when I had lunch with Randy a few weeks ago? Something he said struck a cord with me. As we were parting ways, he said, “I had no idea that this past year had been so stressful and bad for you.” We spent the entirety of lunch talking about all the things I don’t mention on the blog. Or Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Instagram.
Social media is not my reality.
Every time I sat down to write a post this year, I thought to myself, “Do I want to write about what’s actually going through my mind? Do I want to bitch about how this has been such a difficult year on my mind and my body and I don’t know how to gain control over my own damn life? OR maybe I’ll just talk about all the fun things I do – share pictures of all the festivals I’ve attended, hikes I’ve taken, and friends I’ve made – to cover up the stress and anxiety and unhappiness I’ve felt?
There are several reasons why I don’t share everything going on in my life.
- I’ve been brought up with the “don’t wash your dirty laundry in public” mentality. There are certain things that just stay within our family. Over time, I’ve learned to let a few people in, but for the most part, my “laundry” is hidden.
- Part of me wants to look back at these blog posts with fond memories of the things I’ve done and the people I shared them with. I don’t want to be 80 years old and look back at a week where I cried myself to sleep every single night.
- I’m afraid of how the message will be perceived. I know my family and close friends read this blog. I don’t want them to think that this stress or unhappiness is related to them in any way. Because it’s not.
- Sharing things publicly can come back and bite you in the ass. There were several days that I would come home from work in tears because I felt a lack of support, a lack of collaboration, and anger toward individuals that didn’t have the kids’ best interest at heart. But I kept it all in. For fear that, by blogging about it, I would jeopardize my career in some way.
- I worry that I am not living up to the expectations that readers may have of me. Back when I started this blog, I was training for a half marathon and experimenting almost daily in the kitchen. I was living a happy, healthy life and was so eager to connect with others who were doing the same. The half marathon has come and gone and I was too wrapped up in work to make the trip down to Long Beach to do it. I stopped taking care of myself and the mission of this blog started to seem so unfamiliar.
But today I’m airing out my underpants in public.
For the past two weeks (post-Vegas), I’ve been having that pain in my heart/chest area again. My blood test results came out normal but my blood pressure is higher than average. Part of it has to do with a lack of routine and just hopping from one city to the next, but it’s been brought on by this past year. I’ve made unhealthy choices out of stress and unhappiness and I lost the ability or rather, the desire, to navigate my own life.
I started medication for now while I make more natural changes in my life. I’m also getting an ultrasound of my heart today to rule out any other possibilities. I’m sure everything will be fine, but it’s always better to be sure! 🙂
For those of you who keep reading this blog, thanks for sticking around despite the fact that I lost sight of why I started it in the first place. I’m starting over and ready to incorporate a shit ton of happiness and healthiness this time around.
********************************************************
Awww! Sending you hugs, my friend!! It’s hard blogging because you never know how much or how little to share. Hoping your ultrasound goes well!
Maureen recently posted…Smoothie Nation
Thank you so much! Hope the most painful day is over for you, as well! <3
You know what? I never write about my life on my blog really… EVER! I write about other stuff… Stuff that I think is funny, or that I make funny, celebrities… And information – Not about me. Crazily enough, I am kind of a private person! :O
GiGi Eats Celebrities recently posted…The Waterboy Hates Me
I have enjoyed your blog posts and twitter posts- in part because of our similarities: educators, fitness, and cooking. Your realization that your balance may not be there right now will serve you well as you get back on track!! You can do it!
I think we all blog with different intentions – and I follow plenty of blogs that don’t post too much personal information – nothing wrong with that! I used to refrain. When I started my current blog, I specifically pick and choose what I share because I know family and friends and sadly now even coworkers have slowly found out about it. So I tiptop through what I’m going to post. I am kind of a lurker and don’t comment much – but I hope you find answers to what’s causing you problems!
susan @ suddenlysusan.com recently posted…Vitacost review
Thank you so much! <3 I appreciate hearing stuff like that! It was also the feeling like I wasn't using the blog for accountability like I had intended to!
Love the honesty of this post. It is so tricky to find the balance of what to post to the public and what to keep to yourself. I am like you and post less of my personal life. It is what I feel comfortable with right now. I hope your health improves! feel better ;).
Alison recently posted…Tuesday Thoughts
Thank you so much! I was hesitant in pushing Publish on this post because I was afraid of what others would think. Thank you for your sweet comment – makes me feel like it was the right decision to open up! <3
I understand wanting to keep teaching stuff out of the blog. I feel like sometimes we are looked at more than other professions and I always worry it’ll come back to kick us in the butt. However, I think it is good to be honest and your health and fitness struggles. I know venting about them on the blog really helps me. I am glad you are getting back on track so that hopefully you will start to feel better and so sorry you have had a rough year.
Abby @ BackAtSquareZero recently posted…To Tri or Not to Tri
Thanks! =)
I love following your journey BECAUSE you are so open and honest about your setbacks. It is very visible that it does help you grow and develop! =) Not to mention, your recipes are pretty kick-ass.
I totally understand. There are so many things I leave off my blog – for so many of the reasons you listed. {{{hugs}}} for everything you are going through.
Carrie @ FamilyFitnessFood.com recently posted…Shared workout space
<3
I don’t share everything on my blog either for many of the same reasons but largely because of family and friends. If I wrote about some of the stuff that I’m really thinking or going through, I know that I could really damage some relationships and that’s not worth it to me. I hope that you feel better soon.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted…On Teachers and Students (or How to Rationalize an Embarrassing Moment)
You should definitely do what makes you happy and feels right. Sometimes we all need to reflect and make changes as it is so easy to stray from our goals or get caught up in the moments. Hope your medicine helps and you get good news from the ultrasound!
AmyC recently posted…Snacking on Stonyfield
ahhh after almost 12 years blogging you KNOW I CAN SO RELATE.
Its a cycle for me too of sharing more and less depending on whats happening and who it may impact.
MIZ recently posted…My STRENGTH is gone.
12 years?! Holy cow!
Mama Miz – queen of blogging. CAN WE PLEASE MEET UP AT SOMETHING IN THE BAY AREA BY NOW?! I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO BE YOUR RLFRIEND. 🙂
love you from here to jupiter and back, sissyC.
I love reading your blog! I hope everything is well with your health. We should go hiking when you come back