My winter break homework was to consciously and actively take up space.

Of course, this isn’t always easy. Especially when you return to a place where you’re used to taking up as little space as possible.

When you’re used to putting your own wants and needs and opinions to the side to prioritize others, it’s hard to suddenly say, “Okay, no. Here’s what is good for ME.”

I recognize that things aren’t going to suddenly change overnight.

It’s a process of consistently asking myself, “Is this a choice I’m making for me? Or an obligation for somebody else? What do *I* need right now?”

If you read yesterday’s post, you know that making the flight to California was a little stressful for me. By the time I got to the gate, I had tears in my eyes and my heart rate was so elevated, I was sure I’d pass out.

A few minutes after settling in to my seat, the plane pulled away from the gate and we were minutes away from departing.

With my head back against the seat and my eyes closed, I could hear my inner critic yelling at me. “STOP. OPEN YOUR EYES. Your son is looking out the window, experiencing takeoff. Open your damn eyes so you can watch him experience this.”

But I was flustered. And sweaty. And I have a lot of flight anxiety, especially right before takeoff.

“Take up space,” I pushed back to my inner critic. “I’m allowed to take up space.”

I kindly reminded myself that my baby was OK. He was sitting in his papa’s lap. If keeping my eyes shut and taking deep breaths was what I needed in that moment, then I was going to give myself that.

I could feel the plane taking off. And, because of the weather, takeoff was a little bumpier than usual.

Ankur could likely sense that I was anxious. While my eyes were shut, I could feel his warm hand cover my own, letting me know that he was there.

Without speaking any words and with the comfort of his hand alone, he reminded me of two things.

I could take up space. And I could continue to expand.

I could prioritize myself. And also accept support at a time when I need love and compassion.

A few days ago, I sat at the park on a video session with my therapist, recounting this aha! moment I had on the plane. This beautiful moment where I turned inward and asked myself, “What do you need?” That moment which was also reinforced by my loving husband.

My voice was shaky while I was telling her. And, by the end of the the story, I had tears streaming down my face and she had tears welling up in her own eyes.

It may seem like such a small thing to the average person.

But it feels enormous to me.

Needless to say, the winter break homework is going well. Not perfect. But I’m making conscious decisions and acting in a way that the Divya from a few years ago would certainly be proud of.

This is better than any sort of goal-setting, intention-setting, habit-tracking activity I typically do at this time of the year. I’m working to get to the root of it all. Goals and habits are great, sure. But doing the deeper work feels oh-so cathartic.