I’m going to need to find a new time to blog because the morning just ain’t it right now.

I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to navigate a nursing newborn with a school-going toddler who needs to eat breakfast, poop, change his clothes, and be ready to go by 8am. (All while praying he doesn’t get distracted by his toys. Which he inevitably does. Which then takes some time to pull him away from). All of which feels like it might be hard to do on my own when Dadi leaves and if Ankur has to head out early for work.

So, yeah, the morning isn’t it.

Too much going on. And that’s OK.

I realize how fortunate I am to live in this chaos for a bit.

A few nights ago, I got to tuck Ishu into bed. His toddler bed. In a separate room. Which, on its own makes me cry because when did my baby grow up? But then, when I was trying to brush his hair back and rested my hand on his forehead, he kinda pushed my hand off him. Then I rested my head on his legs and he pulled his legs away.

And then it made me miss sleeping in the same bed with him, having him curled up next to me.

Where it felt so much easier to snuggle him.

After he pulled his legs away, I could feel myself becoming emotional, tears rolling down my cheeks. Ishu couldn’t see me because it was completely dark in the room. And he couldn’t hear me because the sound machine was quite loud.

I don’t know what triggered it, but a few minutes later, he sat up. He kissed me on the cheek and then followed it up with, “MAMA, WHY IS YOUR FACE ALL WET?”

It made me laugh in the middle of my cry session because I just love the shit outta this little guy. After he fell asleep, I went back into our bedroom and cried to Ankur. He pointed out that Ishu’s been so much more affectionate and loving in OTHER ways. That even though he doesn’t always cuddle up to us the way he once did, he will randomly kiss us and hug us and brush our cheeks with his sweet little hand.

He really is such a wonderful kid.

I just can’t seem to get over how quickly time goes. How much I wish I could rewind the clock three years and be the parent I am NOW for Ishaan THEN.

I wish newborn Ishaan could experience a calm, collected mama. I wish that the Divya from three years ago wasn’t so caught up in her mind. So flustered and constantly questioning every decision she made. I wish she could have spent more time trusting her intuition.

I’m experiencing things with Riyaan right now and asking myself, “Did I get to enjoy this with Ishu? Did I embrace each phase? Was I PRESENT enough?”

And I don’t know what good that’s gonna do me. Because it’s not like we can go back and do it all over.

But there isn’t an “off” button on emotions and, so, they keep popping up. Like that damn whack-a-mole game.

Anyway, I guess I’ll just leave you with some wisdom my friend shared with me. She’s a soon-to-be mama herself. And someone told her that the best parenting advice they were given was, “Be where your feet are.”

So, with that being said, my 3-year old wants me to go help him find Monstro the whale. From Pinocchio. So my feet are going to go be with him now.

Be back when I can! 🙂 Have a good weekend!