When the World Keeps Turning

It’s the weirdest thing in the world to be a human that loses a really important human and then have to go on and continue to be a human because how do we just do that? 

I mean, I get it. We do it ’cause we have to. 

Because life keeps moving and kids still need to be fed and bathed and taken outside. Bills need to be paid and groceries need to be bought and this is just what is. 

But it feels weird. 

Weird to step out of the void where we were allowed to press pause, and re-enter a world that expects us to go on.

And maybe even weirder to come here, to this little corner of the internet, and blog. 

Like, this is the place where I come to share ​the everyday things. Riyu peeled his first banana. Ishu lost a tooth. We ate salad for dinner. 

But how do you write those small things after THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR FAMILY has exited this earth for FOREVER? 

It all feels strange. 

And yet here I am. 

Going to apple orchards and deciding whether we want to bring home two bags of Honeycrisp apples or if we wanna mix it up a bit. 

Eating the best apple cider donuts of my life.  

Laughing as my kid digs his feet into the corn pit and giggles, “Where Riyu leg go?” 

How does that happen? 

I’m not sitting in sadness. Not exactly. A big part of me feels relief that my Nani left when she was ready. That she made the call and was absolutely certain.

But there’s still a hole. A void.

It’s strange to know I’ll never get a voicemail from her again. My kids will never get mishri from her. She won’t be sending books to her grandkids. Or sitting in her chair. Or lying in her bed doing exercises. Or asking – within five minutes of our arrival – how long we’re staying.

Every so often, I play a voicemail from her. 

“I just called….to say…. I loveeee you,” she sings. And then she signs off, “Nani,” as if finishing a letter.

And then I put my phone down, look up, and the world is still here. 

My kids need me. My parents need me. Life keeps turning.

And so it is. 

The wild thing is that this feeling that feels so singular to ME really isn’t. Every day, people lose the people they love. Every day, people walk around carrying invisible heaviness, quietly letting go of someone they can never get back.

It’s so much.

Being human is so hard.

Alright.

That’s a little peek into my brain right now.

I’m going to lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling for a bit before I’m needed again.

<3 

Hope you got to spend the weekend with the people you love.