What happens to you when you are completely stripped of your identity?
What happens when the role you once played is no longer yours to own?
How do you introduce yourself? What do you latch on to in order to define who you are?
How can you possibly prove your worth when the one thing that gave you value and made you feel confident was taken from you?
These are the thoughts that have been running through my mind for the past seven months.
Since I quit my job and walked out of the classroom, I feel like I’ve been wandering around aimlessly.
Lost.
Before I earned my credential, I was a teacher at heart.
At family parties, I was always hanging around the kids. Playing with them. Teaching them. (“Bossing them around,” my mom would say).
But I was good with kids.
It was what I was known for.
So it was inevitable that, some day, I would chase after this dream of teaching.
And I was good.
I knew I was good.
Not in the overly cocky, “I’ve-got-data-to-prove-it” kind of way.
But in the, “I value these relationships and I fucking love my children as if they were my own” kind of way.
Sure, there were days I would come home defeated. I would have a student with severe behaviors and, sometimes, I wouldn’t always know what move to make, what steps to take.
But, at the end of the day, I came home knowing that I was where I was meant to be. My approach was so individualized and my love was so fierce.
So when I walked out of my role, it felt like I left my entire identity behind.
When you’re teaching, it’s easy to throw yourself into your work. And when you’re not throwing yourself into work, you’re throwing yourself into happy hour to recover from work. It’s literally a ping-pong match between the classroom and the bar.
There is no time and there is no space (and, for me, there was no reason) to try to figure out my “self” in between the eating and the teaching and the blogging.
I was happy falling under the “educator” umbrella.
I felt proud. And I felt confident.
But, since I walked away from that role, I’ve felt lost.
I’ve gone through withdrawals. I didn’t know how to deal with all the free time I suddenly had. And, living in this small town only made matters worse. There isn’t always a lot going on. So I am FORCED to sit with my self (whoever the eff that is) and think about things.
For the past few months, I’ve been coping. Not in a healthy, productive way.
Rather, instead of dealing with this identity-crisis head on, I simply respond, “I’m a special education teacher in my real life” when people ask me what keeps me busy.
And, instead of processing this huge change, I throw myself into social media or a bottle of wine or anything to distract me from these negative feelings that come up.
I have no idea who I am.
And the Universe is forcing me to figure it out.
Forcing me out of the “teaching” confines and into my own mind. All the doing, doing, and more doing has left me confused about who I am underneath it all.
This weekend, on a mini roadtrip to Knoxville, I allowed myself to venture through my feelings. I didn’t turn on a podcast. I didn’t use the time to call people back. Instead, I thought about everything that I’ve been suppressing.
Who am I when I am not teaching?
I’m a spiritual being.
A lover of people.
A reader. A writer.
A sunshine seeker.
I am all of these things.
And probably more.
I need to spend more time with my self. Shutting out all the noise and the distractions. I need to get to know my self a little better.
But this is a good start for now.
Questions of the Day:
- Who are you underneath it all?
- Describe your “self” without using your job title or the role you play in your day-to-day life.
I can relate to so much that you say about your love for teaching–I’ve also long been one of those who’s more likely to be found hanging out with all of the littles at a large gathering than chatting with adults. It’s hard to lose an identity in that sudden way!
Rachel G recently posted…One Year After Baby Em
Oh Divya… I can somewhat understand what you are going through. When I left teaching to stay home, it was sooo…. strange. Now that I’ve been a mom for 4 years, I feel like the teacher part of me is slowing fading. But now, I feel my identity is “mom” and describing myself without that part of my identity is hard! I suppose I could say I am a sew-er, a baker, a candle stick maker (just kidding about that part). I love to read, and love to plan a good party.
I could imagine what a struggle that would be, what we do becomes such a huge part of how we identify ourselves.
Emily @ Pizza & Pull-ups recently posted…Apple, pumpkins, and donuts, oh my! Weekend Recap
A powerful post. I hope everything works well for you!
I can SO relate to this feeling. 17 years ago theatre and performing were my life. I had been active in local theatres, other performances, taking little projects on where I could (Was even an extra in a blockbuster movie at one point) and trying to save so I could get head shots and take it to the next level…Hell, I would have been happy doing commercials here and there and living the life a lot of my friends are now living in big cities etc…(I see so many of them on TV now) Instead I ended up becoming a mother, getting married and going down a completely different path then I had planned. Some people ask why I didn’t just do both… but I am all in with raising my kids. Maybe I will get back into it eventually when they are older and I have more time. I’ve always felt like a part of me was missing not getting out there and performing in some little way. It’s been a long time- I wish I could say it truly goes away- but you get nostalgic from time to time.
Anyway- Great post.
I can only imagine how hard that is when all you’ve ever known changes. I hope you continue to figure out your path and your true self – there is no time table on that, you can soul search as long as you need to. And I hope you can find your way back to teaching some day too because it sounds like you are truly passionate about it and the world needs more people like you teaching in it!
Beth recently posted…Making a Fashion “Mark”
I can absolutely relate to this post; I so value reading this honest story, as I am on a very similar search. Do you have a post that talks about your decision to leave 7 months ago? I would love to read it.
Girl, I get this SO much! My boyfriend and I have had this conversation as well because he was a teacher and then realized it wasn’t right for him after spending years thinking that was what he was supposed to do with his life. For me, it wasn’t in terms of teaching but in the place of working in the music industry. I often find myself trying to pop back in because I’m not really sure where my place is/what I’m supposed to do with my life to leave the lasting imprint that I hope now that the music industry isn’t where I’m working and what I’m doing with my life. It’s hard to feel successful in my current 9-5 because I don’t feel like I deserve to be. It’s a struggle sometimes, but know that you are not alone in these feelings.
Katie recently posted…Acts of Kindness You Can Do Every Single Day
This was really powerful. I am still trying to discover who I am outside of my career. Kudos to you for taking the time to figure out your true identity! That is really inspiring 🙂
Your words are so relatable. Discovering our true selves is such a hard — but NECESSARY — process. It can unearth so many things. I hope you keep finding out all the things that make you *you*.
Corey | The Nostalgia Diaries recently posted…Week 40: Mark My Words: My ‘Will Not’ Manifesto | Everyday Nostalgia
I love this! I imagine a lot of people define themselves by their job or occupation. I don’t really do that – I rarely say what I do for my job unless that’s the direct question. But I don’t always sit and think about who I am on a very basic level.
-Lauren
ShootingStarsMag recently posted…A Review: The BonBonerie Afternoon Tea
Recently I was challenged to write a fitness mission statement. Not once does my mission mention “personal trainer” or “blogger” or “wife” or any other role. Instead it’s about the things I value and the way I want to live in this world. That is who I am. 🙂
You opened up and shared something all of us go through at one time or another. Your post was very relatable. I think you already have it figured out. Spending time with YOU. Figuring it out.
Oh Divya.. I bet this was a hard post to write… i am proud of you for working on yourself, and I am definitely hoping to see you back in the classroom sometime soon— I am also in education, and I know a good teacher when I see one 🙂 that being said, keeping learning who you are! I think that this is a lifetime journey and will change frequently! I know that my definition of myself is going through another revision now too!
Thank you for sharing this honest beautiful post! It is a difficult thing when you have a major life change. I think it is important to find your identity outside of what you do or did do for a living. That is something that I am still dealing with myself!
I was touched by your post. I think when things like this happen it’s easy to feel lost but to be honest finding another way even within your identity is so possible. I have a degree in Human Sexuality and had to stop my education before going as far as I could but now I write about it and find I am able to reach so many more people than I thought was possible. Good luck to you
Thanks for writing this – as I truly relate and it’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one that feels this way. I was laid off from my job last year and have been trying to figure things out/discover who I am and how I want to live my life. Its a rollercoaster but I’m happy with my decision to think differently and work towards what I want right now. Inspiring post 🙂
I had this exact same problem with being a singer. It took me YEARS to find myself without thinking of myself as a singer, although I can now say that I’m worthy of being loved, even if I never sing another note.
Kristen Raney recently posted…Pumpkin & Succulent Autumn Centrepiece
My sweet Divpiv. What an honest post.
I am teary eyed reading about it.
My advise to you betu……..
This Too Shall Pass and before you know it you and Ankur will be in a bigger town where you will be able to get back into your teaching skills and be with your “students/kids”.
In the meantime try and be in touch with your Rocketship Family and see if you can do some consulting work with them.
Lots of Love.
After 30 years of doing a job I loved, the very job I loved forced me out of work due to a bad back. I was a commercial diver on Ky. Lake/Tn. river. It was tough work, long hours, had to deal with all sorts of bad weather and current, but I’d get up every morning enthusiastic about heading back out. After 3 decades it was my identity, still is. The river calls to me daily, I go back out there now when time allows, just to be there. Go for a boat ride, enjoy the wildlife, just being there with the river makes me feel like I am at home. I miss my job, but my identity remalns, I am and always will be a diver.
I don’t know what made you decide to quit. Probably the 2 biggest reasons anyone quits is terrible management, and work related stress. I sense the latter, I hope you can get it sorted out. Throw some applications out there, get back in there and get your feet wet in a new place with a new perspective. Maybe all you need is a fresh start…
We’re neighbors! 🙂 Thanks for your perspective. It really helps knowing that I’m not alone in this feeling.
Girl! I totally get it. It’s so easy to get consumed with our job or our hobbies being who we are, but it’s not true. God created us with so many facets. One label or job is not an accurate description no matter how much we love it. I went through a similar crisis shortly after graduating college.
To answer your question: I am a follower of Jesus, I am loved by God, I am a lover, an encourager, and an exuberant personality. I am happily quirky, I’m a cuddler, and a dog-lover.
Kristin recently posted…Blogging Authetically: My Heart
This was very moving. So much of our identity gets wrapped up in what we “do” instead of who we are. I’m a social worker, but I usually downplay that part of my life because I don’t want that to be the center of my identity. Good luck to you!!
Going throught the same thing. I can’t talk about it yet ‘coz it will stir up unwanted feelings. We can do this! ❤️
Karla Cruzado | The Wise Lark recently posted…My Taiwan Stationery Finds 2017
So many things cause us to lose our identity: leaving a job, losing a spouse to death, going through a divorce, losing a parent…so many things out there define who we are as people, and when there’s a shakeup, we feel completely lost. It’s a steep learning curve to find ourselves, and it takes trudging through a lot of uncertainty, but we can do it! Thanks for sharing. Good luck on your new adventure!
I think some people enjoy having their identity labeled, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s certainly easy to have a go-to work when people ask you what you do or who you are, but many people get complacent with their labels. It makes you put all your eggs in one basket, but you are so much more than just one or two description words! I think being stripped of one “identity” can be a good exercise in reevaluating your strengths and what you value most about yourself. Keep your chin up!
This is so, so, so unbelievably true. My eggs were all in one basket. And I wouldn’t have been able to discover all the other pieces about me that are also unique and special if I wasn’t forced to leave my career.
Change never comes easy. I’ve been a University Professor, Financial Analyst, writer, and more. I like what I do, but I know that I may have to change as circumstances change. A getaway like you did is a good way to start. Good luck!
I could have written this post! I am 35 and still have no real clue who I am or where I’m headed. I just hope I am happy when I get there.
And happy along the way!
I’m so glad I stopped back to read this. You know, these kinds of soul-baring posts are always my favorite. Please don’t ever feel the need to hide your feelings, or mask your words. And this is an exciting time for you! Though I’m sure it doesn’t always feel that way. We identify who we are often through our work, but as you can see—you wear so many different hats and having this unique opportunity to explore the many edges of Divya is a beautiful exercise.
You are pure joy personified. Whether in a classroom or in a concrete floor with a bottle of red red wine.
If it helps, I haven’t figured out my schizz yet either and I’m staring at 40 in the near distance. Gulp! Pass that bottle?
Xoxo
Charlotte recently posted…What to expect when you’re not expecting
Gladly! I would love to share a bottle with you in REAL LIFE! Peaceful Posse meet-up?!
OMG, yaaaaaas please!! That would be amazing 🙂
Charlotte recently posted…What’s up, weekend 10/20
Transitions are hard. We define ourselves so much through what we do… I hope you discover a new you soon 🙂
San recently posted…Thinking Out Loud #8