We are back in Newport. We got in yesterday. I had a phone interview at noon and needed someone to watch Ishu while I hopped on the call since Ankur was at work.

On the drive over, I kept thinking how happy I will be when I’m not constantly in my car, back and forth between two homes.

But then I got a sudden wave of sadness that, in less than a month, coming to visit home is going to be so much more complicated and I’m going to miss the blurry craziness, bouncing between one place and the other.

It’s confusing.

It felt like I was telling myself I could only feel one way or the other. SO EXCITED about the move. Or SO SAD about the move.

And it’s not true.

I just feel all the things.

In the same moment of feeling grateful that we will have some sense of normalcy and routine, I also feel sadness that I can’t simply hop in a car and make it to my parents house in an hour.

In the same moment of feeling excited about our new adventures and settling down somewhere for an extended period of time, I feel an ache, thinking about being away from California for such a long stretch.

I feel excited to get back to work and have more time in my day to focus on me. And, at the very same time, I feel weepy about leaving my baby in daycare with a bunch of people who don’t know his insides. 

I feel grateful to have our weekends be empty. With no obligation to fill them with family time. And then I feel grief that we lose out on all those weekends with family.

Sad and happy. Grief and excitement. Heartbroken and joy.

All at the same time.

We are inching closer and closer to the move. And I keep getting hit with waves of emotions.

I guess I’ll just keep riding them the best I can.