I have spent 10 years working in schools. 10 years of hustling and bustling around, trying to put out fires, trying to balance the administrative part of my job with the direct, teaching part of my job.

I have showed up to a number of meetings, breathless and a little disheveled. Trying to battle the copier or calm a student down before grabbing the parent from the front office.

It used to take me the first 5 minutes of a meeting to come down from whatever took place outside the office. The first five minutes of the meeting, I was consciously taking deep, DEEP breaths to slow down my heart rate, wipe away the sweat, drink some water. Letting everyone check in with one another while I tried to get my head on straight.

There’s some kind of adrenaline rush when you work IN schools. It requires a lot of energy but you can also draw a lot of energy from it because you’re go-go-going from the minute you walk into the gate ’til the minute you go home for the day.

But I’m not working IN schools right now. I’m working FOR a school. And that is a huge freakin’ difference.

I log onto a Zoom meeting and am often met with this window, “Waiting for the host to start the meeting.”

And I imagine it’s because the person on the other end is running around the school, putting out fires, kicking kids out of their room so they can hold the meeting in there. They’re running to the front office, pulling out files, texting parents to see where they’re at.

While I – on this end – use that time to make a cup of tea, settle into my chair, feeling like the most regulated version of myself.

It feels weird. I have mixed feelings about this job. I love that I have finally found a way to balance a home life and a professional life. But I also know that this isn’t really the “best practice” approach to school psychology.

The idealistic, 20-something year old Divya will occasionally show up and whisper in my ear, “YOU’RE NOT DOING THE IMPORTANT WORK. YOU’RE JUST BEING THE PERSON THEY NEED IN ORDER TO STAY IN COMPLIANCE.”

And then the mom version of me reminds myself that this is a really nice change of pace. I can work a full day and still show up for him.

I will be an in-person school psychologist again. This is temporary.

I will battle a copier in my future again. And show up to a meeting out-of-breath and a tiny bit disheveled because I was helping some teacher shuffle a kid back to class.

But, for now?

I’ll enjoy these minutes right before our meeting begins. With my cup of tea, a calm heart rate, and the quiet of my apartment. Waiting for the host to start the meeting.