“Eee thuuu it.”

That’s Ishu saying, “Ishu, do it.”

He wants to do everything himself these days. When he started eating solids, we did a mix of baby led weaning and purees. And I was a real content mama, not having to sit there and spoon-feed him his meal. 

Of course, it was messy and sticky and there was – more often than not – more food in his hair and on the floor than in his mouth. But it also brought me a lot of joy to see him explore his food. A complete sensory experience.

Since then, most of the food ends up in his mouth. Thank goodness. (Occasionally, he’ll give himself a nice avocado hair mask. It must be working cause his hair is freaking beautiful). 

But this independence in eating was the first step. 

And now? Now it’s, “Eeee thuu it” all the time.

Crawls into the stroller and wants to buckle it himself. 

Finishes his pouch and wants to put the cap on and throw it in the trash himself. 

Sees mama pull out the diaper cream and wants to put it on his butt himself.

“Keem,” he says. “Seez” (Squeeze) he says as he attempts to get the cream out of the tube. 

On the good days – the days I feel regulated and calm and relaxed and on top of it – I go with the flow.

I love everything about this desire to assert his independence and I want to encourage it. So I accept the fact that it will take 15 minutes to leave the house because he wants to crawl into the stroller himself and do the buckles. I embrace the fact that everything takes a little (lot) longer because Ishu wants to take a stab at it first.

Those are the good days.

And then the hard days. Oh the hard days. Sometimes, I’ll carry him out of the park as he’s squirming and wriggling in my arms. Because I’ve gotta get back and hop on a Zoom call. On the hard days, I feel tears well up in my eyes because I know exactly what he needs from me but I can’t seem to provide him that in the moment. No time, no energy, or I’m all outta patience. On the hard days, I feel like I’m messing all the things up. And there are moments when I want to kick myself for encouraging so much damn independence. Because the moment I need him to LET me do something for him, when I need him to hurry up and LET me put him in the stroller, he is not down for it.

He’s tasted independence and he wants more of it.

But then we’ll get home. And I unbuckle him as he pulls off the straps and he’ll lift his arms up. “Mama, ep,” (Mama, help) he’ll ask. Wanting me to scoop him up and take him out of the stroller.

And he’ll smile real big and run toward his books.

“Mama, deed,” (Mama, read) he says as he hands me a book. 

And I’ll smile. And remind myself that this kid doesn’t hold it against me. He loves me on the good days. He loves me on the hard days. And, as much as he wants to do things on his own, he still very much needs his mama.

He is a little person. Who is still so dependent on others for so much. So, it obviously feels really empowering for him when there are things he CAN do on his own. 

I’m going to give myself grace and know that there are going to be challenging days where I need to carry him – kicking and screaming – out of the park. But, also, on the days I have a little more in me, I want to continue fostering his independence. I love watching him do things over and over and over again until he’s got it down.

I won’t be perfect. Neither will he.

But I think the two of us are doing a pretty good job. Stumbling and learning together.