Yesterday, before my first meeting of the day, I thought Ishu and I could head down to the Navy Pier. We packed his scooter and I only had to ask him 5 times (instead of the normal 34123 times) to get into the stroller.

It started out great. He scooted a bit. Stopped to look for bugs a LOT.

And at one point, he found a piece of confetti shaped like a star and you would have thought he won a million bucks the way he carried that thing around.

Eventually, we found our way on the upper deck with the ferris wheel and carousel. He was particularly obsessed with this one door that was COVERED with bugs. He kept running in and out of it.

I stood back, letting it happen, thinking he’d be over it soon.

But he wasn’t.

And some of those bugs looked a little like mosquitoes.

So, I tried to persuade him to walk in the other direction. Pointing out the Ferris wheel, pointing out the zillions of other things that seemed way more fascinating than a door covered in bugs flying around.

But he wouldn’t budge.

Eventually, I picked him up to move him away from the door and that’s when the meltdown began.

He legit melted from my arms onto the ground. Threw his head back. Attempted to crawl back to the door.

I stood firm, demanding that we move somewhere else. He screamed bloody murder, rolling around on the floor.

I managed to get him back onto the first floor, but the meltdown continued. For so long. I’m pretty sure everyone on the Navy Pier yesterday got a little show and probably thought, “Happy I’m not going through THAT right now.”

I couldn’t get him into the stroller because every time I tried to pick him up and plop him in, he arched his back and kicked his legs. So he just rolled around a bit on the floor. With a lot of ear-piercing screams.

Oof.

10-15 minutes later, when I did manage to get him into the stroller and buckled up, headed home, I let myself go. And cried the entire way home. It’s so freaking hard to hold it all together.

But the hardest part isn’t the tantrum itself. It’s the internal shaming that happens after all of it is over.

The questioning about every choice you made, every word you said.

The wondering if you did X, would it have been different? Or wondering if you have scarred your child in some small way by making the wrong decision and holding the wrong boundary.

Ugh.

It’s just so much living in my head. I already lived in my head before and, as a mom, it’s a weird thing. Because you’re constantly pulled into the present moment by having to BE there with your child. But then, as soon as you have a free moment, you run back into your mind cycling through all the, “Did I do the thing? Did I do the RIGHT thing?” And the ever-so-annoying, “What should I cook for lunch so that I can spend so much time cooking it for him to then refuse to eat?”

All of it. My body is tired. But I think my brain is tired from the internal dialogue all day long.

Phew.

Have a good one, folks. I’m taking it easy on myself today and not demanding that we get outside and do ALL THE THINGS. It’s a hard week for me on the work front, so I’m going to embrace the TV a little today.

Curious George to the rescue.