My kid is pretty good at playing independently.

For some time.

But this mama likes to milk it, y’know?

Sometimes when I see him engaged with something in the living room, I’ll step away and go take care of something. Laundry. Dishes. Cooking.

Yesterday, he was playing with his dinosaur set. So I walked over to the kitchen to clear the sink. And then, since it’s been a freakin’ week and it’s only Wednesday (no Auntie Bella this week + most of Ankur’s free time has been dedicated to an exam he’s taking this weekend), I decided to lean up against the counter and scroll on my phone.

A way to escape.

To step away from the kitchen responsibilities, the toddler responsibilities, the work responsibilities.

I like to lean up on the counter when I scroll. Because Ishu’s in a phase where if he sees me on my phone, he screams, “MAYAAAAAA” and demands to watch all the videos we have accumulated of baby Maya. And then it becomes a battle I don’t want to have. So, as much as possible, I like to use my phone when I’m NOT with Ishu.

Which is what I was doing yesterday.

And then, in the middle of my scroll sesh, I hear his little feet running toward me. I look down and see him at my knees, dinosaurs clutched to his chest. He dropped the dinosaurs at my feet and then ran back to the living room to get more. He made a few trips this way. Slowly bringing in each item and laying them down on the kitchen floor.

This is what happens.

When I’m away from him too long, he’ll pick up all his toys and bring them to wherever I am. As if to tell me, “Mama, this is too long. I’m an independent kid. But you’re pushing it.”

And, of course, every time he does this, the first feeling that washes over me is GUILT. SHAME. My mind flooded with thoughts like, “How could you not want to spend time with him? Why are you choosing to escape?”

And then, as he turns around to go grab the last of his toys, I take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s okay to want to escape. It’s okay to feel this way.

This is not our norm. Auntie Bella will be back again. Ankur’s exam will be over soon. It’s just a couple of days that I’m operating from a “what can I get” approach. The “How many minutes can I get before he notices I’ve stepped away and comes running over with his dinosaurs?”

And that’s OKAY.

Every day isn’t going to be a perfect balance of feeling like I’ve got my “work time” and my “mom time.” Some days it’s all gonna be jumbled up and I’m gonna need to check out mentally.

I don’t have to feel guilt about it.

I can do what I need to do. And then this little guy – in his own way – helps me check back in.

Every time he shows up with his toys at my feet, my first instinct is to feel BAD about it. Because I know this happens when I haven’t been present with him for some time. But, instead of shaming myself for it, I’m embracing my own need to step away for a bit. And also viewing it as my kid communicating with me. Telling me, “Well that was a good break for you mama, but Imma need you to come be my friend now.”

Motherhood feels like a balancing act of being present with your child and then escaping your child for a little bit. In order to regulate yourself to then turn around and be present with your child again.

The circle of life. The circle of motherhood. No need to throw shame in the mix.