”Come on, we gotta go. You’re going to be late for lunch,” I said to one of my little ones. The timer had gone off. And she was supposed to take the headphones off, stand up, and line up at the door. I typically walk her and another kiddo back up to class around 10am.
She looked at me, looked back down at the iPad, and gripped it even harder. My insides were boiling. This wasn’t the first time this has happened. In fact, it happens almost daily.
Meanwhile, there are 4 other kids doing independent stations, 2 doing work with another teacher in the room, 1 kid screaming at the top of his lungs, and another one – who I was *also* supposed to take back – who happened to be inching closer and closer to the Legos.
I looked up and worried that I’d lose the other one in the process. So, I jerked my head back toward the little girl, reached to take her headphones off, and said very sternly, “We need to go. Now.”
She squeezed the headphones tighter to her ears, lifted her legs off the floor, tucked them in a criss-cross position on the chair she was sitting in, and stared back at me with a smirk on her face.
Internally, I was thinking, “I *actually* don’t have time for this sh*t. I have to take you back and then come back and teach the next group of kiddos. THERE IS NO TIME FOR THIS.”
But I just knelt down next to her, I let the other girl successfully reach the Legos (and just told myself I’d worry about it when I was done), and asked, “Is everything okay?”
She responded with, “I miss my mom and dad and brother.”
Okay. Great. Attempting to channel the tiny bit of empathy and patience I had left in me for the day, I said, “I know what you mean. We had so many days off. It’s hard to leave family after you’ve had so much time with them.” We talked for about 30 more seconds. And then she was ready to go.
She hopped up. She waited at the door until I gathered the other kiddo from the box of Legos and then she happily stayed by my side the entire walk up to her room.
I know that this isn’t the magic fix-all. I know that there have been A NUMBER OF TIMES I’ve tried to “connect before I correct” and it *hasn’t* been successful.
The thing is that this particular kiddo is really hard for me. I don’t know what it is about her. I know she has a lot going on in her life. And I know she’s been through a lot. But, still, there are days when I feel a sense of relief wash over me when she gets in trouble before she makes her way to my room. Because that means she can’t do her defiant, disruptive, off-task, attention-seeking behavior that sets off all our other kids.
Am I awful? That feels just absolutely disgusting to type right now. But, it’s how I’ve been feeling and I feel like it’s important to be honest with myself about this implicit bias I have.
I FIRMLY believe that all kids need an adult who will love them. An adult who will be on their side and figure out a way to make the system work for them. And I especially believe that, for a kiddo who acts/talks the way she does, she must have seen something or gone through something pretty god-awful.
What’s that famous saying? “Kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways?”
That’s this kiddo.
The most unloving of ways.
The, “I’m going to get your blood boiling and run around the room making faces at you and scream things like, ‘You can’t catch me,‘” kiddo.
And I know that there is a part of me that just wants to throw up my hands and say, “Well, shit. We can’t save everyone.”
And saying that out loud to someone today made me stop and think. Am I responding to her behaviors differently because I am frustrated with the situation? Am I reacting negatively because I am so fed up with trying to put out fires that she starts?
I know that we definitely need to put a plan in place for this kid.
But I also wonder how much of *her* behavior is a response to my implicit bias.
It’s rather challenging in the chaos of our room to give each kiddo the space to connect with an adult when there are so. many. moving. bodies. And all those bodies need so much attention and love and prompting and guiding.
Maybe I can’t control it all. But I do know that I need to be mindful about how I teach my little ones. And how I approach them, how I talk to them, how I make space for them. I have the ability to take a couple seconds to check myself before I kneel down and have that conversation with her.
Even if it means the other kiddo gets into the Legos.
So true and applies to parents too! Great story.
Some kids can be tough, and I know with your line of work, you have a lot of them that have different needs and wants and behavior challenges. We all have implicit bias, so it’s good to recognize that and try and work on it. But we’re not perfect, and not everything will work every time. I think it’s great that you’re trying though, and it’s obvious that you really care about all of these kids – even though it MUST get frustrating sometimes.
-Lauren
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Thank you for going that extra mile even when you just don’t want to. As a parent with a kiddo with challenges I wish more teachers would do this. I know that you all are so overworked and overwhelmed and just need breaks like everyone else. But going that extra mile means that sometimes you change that kiddos world from a negative one to a positive one!
Thank you for your honesty on this day of teaching this little girl. For your thoughts and your actions. Something for all of us to learn.
You’re human. It’s normal to have those thoughts and reactions. But to stop and recognize those implicit biases is to truly be someone who cares about those students. I think it speaks volumes to the kind of teacher/person you are to reflect on it in this way. <3
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Divya you are such an honest human being to share your thoughts with all.
It is very natural to have those kinds of thoughts. Salute to you for making a difference in the
lives of these special kids.
That little girl is lucky to have a teacher like you. It’s only normal to have biases against certain people and kids. But showing empathy and approaching the “troublemaker kids” a different way, can make a real difference in their lives.
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Dhivya, It is really so nice of you to share a situation like this. As a parent, I appreciate the way you connected with the child. It shows your maturity in handling your students and the dedication towards your work as a teacher. It is so reassuring to know that our kids are in such safe hands.