I once had a friend in college that showed up to my dorm room on crutches. When I asked her what had happened, she sort of blushed and said, “I don’t really know.”

It was confusing.

Maybe this was a cry for attention? Maybe she was embarrassed about what actually happened? Either way, she never shared anything different. She simply said she didn’t know what happened. That one minute she was fine and then the next, she stood up to walk and it caused her immense pain.

Back then, I don’t think I understood that. I just thought something had to have happened and maybe she just wasn’t interested in sharing.

I think about that interaction often. Especially this past year as I’ve been dealing with what seems like chronic ankle pain.

Sometimes, I’ll be sitting cross-legged and then I get up and feel as though I’ve sprained my ankle. I end up hobbling around for a few days until it goes away.

And then other times, I’ll be lying horizontal in my bed and can feel some slight nerve twitch or something and KNOW that when I stand up, I will have somehow sprained my ankle.

It typically doesn’t last for longer than a day or two. But the last time it happened was right before the move. And sitting in the plane, walking in the airport, and then getting around the city really prolonged the sprain.

It finally went away and I felt like my normal self for two weeks. And then, this past weekend, while we were in the suburbs, it happened again. I think the sidewalk was slightly elevated and my ankle gave out. I ended up falling (and, worse, my ice cream fell too!). Ishu started screaming because he didn’t understand why his mama was on the ground. My hands were all sticky because ice cream flew everywhere. And I had to just hang out there for a few minutes until I could figure out how to stand up without putting weight on the weak ankle.

Yesterday, Ishu and I stayed home for most of the day because I was trying to elevate it and get some rest. But, let’s be honest, lying down on the couch with a toddler in the house? Not easy to do.

He is such a good kid and rolled with it yesterday. Without complaining too much. But this kid loves being outside and I hated it for him. I hated that he wasn’t able to do the things he likes because I stupidly can’t take care of myself.

I’ve always had pretty weak ankles. And then being a breastfeeding mama, I thought maybe it had something to do with that too. Apparently breastfeeding moms have some sort of hormone running through them that make their joints all loosey goosey.

So I thought, “Well, maybe once I stop breastfeeding, this random ankle sprain will stop happening.”

But this just seems like it’s not worth putting off anymore.

It’s hard to feel like a good mom if I’m not taking care of myself. Yesterday was a big smack in the face that things are a lot harder if I can’t be fully mobile with my kid, y’know?

So, as soon as medical offices open, I’ll call to set up an appointment with a doctor who can, hopefully, refer me to someone.

This is yet another reminder for all the mamas out there that taking care of yourself isn’t a selfish act. NOT taking care of yourself is selfish. Because it prevents you from showing up as your best, strongest self for your kids.