We are three months away from having a 5-year old and I can’t understand how.

Ishu is one of the coolest, most curious, most entertaining kids I’ve ever met.

Yes, there are a lot of moments of complete exasperation and exhaustion. But, also, sometimes I look at him and wonder how the heck we made such an interesting human.

He’s also four.

So he bounces around a lot. Physically and verbally and mentally.

The other day, while waiting for dinner to be ready, he looked over at the TV and saw the California wildfires.

“Look, mama! That’s southern California,” as we watched the flames take over the entire of Palisades.

“Yeah, there it is,” my voice sounding somber.

“Oh, that’s so sad. That’s so so sad,” he said.

I paused before responding. Wanting to make sure that I was ready to answer all his questions, talk about it in a way that made sense to him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he had his fingers in his mouth. Sometimes he’ll do that when he’s tired or anxious about something, so I started to respond before he cut me off.

“Mama, sometimes. When I put my fingers in my mouth…” he started as I thought, Okay, here we go. We’re going to touch on his anxiety about something.

He continued, “…and then I dry my fingers on my pants, I can snap really loud!”

Facepalm.

Literally. My palm moved to my forehead.

“Not what I was expecting you to say, bud,” I smiled.

“See, Mama. See, see, look, did you hear that?!”

The anxiety in ME wanted to go back and revisit the fire talk. Wanting to answer any unspoken questions. Maybe he doesn’t even know what to ask, so maybe I should PROVIDE him the questions and then fill in the answers as best as I can? Occasionally, he’ll ask about Nani and Nanu’s house, but when I tell him it’s still far away from them, he moves along.

Anyway, I think it’s best to follow his lead. And if he knows his people are safe, I think that eases any worry in his brain.

To be this innocent. I envy it a little.

Ankur and I are here for him when he has questions about it all. But, until then, I guess we’ll also be there for him to hear his really loud snaps.

Thinking of California so much and the hundreds of thousands of people that have been impacted by the most devastating fires the state has ever seen.