A few days ago, I hopped on the phone with Robin, the integrative nutrition health coach I’ve been working with for the past few months.
We normally check in on Fridays, but I requested to chat earlier in the week because I’ve been feeling off for about a week or so.
I’ve been tired and low energy, skipped my workouts on Monday and Tuesday (unlike me!), and started impulsively eating things at the office or at home. I am trying to be more patient and forgiving of myself when these slip-ups happen because I know guilt goes nowhere in this relationship with myself. After all, it is normal to go through these kinds of waves and cycles. We’re not always ON and we shouldn’t be expected to be.
But I started noticing myself falling back into bad habits and I wanted to talk it out with her in hopes that I could snap myself out of it.
I started explaining myself to Robin. “I don’t know what all of this is. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s just been too cold. Or maybe when I don’t start my day off with a workout, the rest of the day turns to shit.”
Robin listened patiently while I attempted to latch on to a reason for all of this and then responded.
“Or…maybe this is a little self-sabotage?”
I’ve heard that word being thrown around before. But I didn’t really understand how it related to me and my situation.
Of course I’m not trying to sabotage myself. I’ve got a wedding to go to next week! And I WANT this life and this health and this happiness. Why the hell would I try to sabotage myself?
But, after talking to her about it and doing a little of my own research, it all makes sense.
It’s why I have continually failed. Over and over and over.
It’s why I can stick to something for a few weeks or months and then turn back to food and wine to comfort me.
It all comes down to cognitive dissonance.
Mental discomfort.
It is way too psychologically distressing if our beliefs and our behaviors are not aligned. Our psychological being is set up to protect ourselves from that. So, at a sub-conscious level, our mind makes sure that our beliefs and our behaviors are always in alignment.
Belief – I am a good person.
Behavior – I help my friend who is upset.
Those two things are aligned. Right?
But what happens when you’ve got a deep-rooted belief that doesn’t match up with your behaviors?
Superficially, I tell myself I’m worthy.
On the surface, I tell myself that I deserve the best foods to fuel me, the best health to sustain me. But for 30 years of my life, I’ve held on to the belief that I am not.
So over the past few months, while I’ve been working on shifting a lot of my behaviors by going to the gym and being more conscious of my diet, this “self-sabotage” was inevitable.
Because when a belief and a behavior are not aligned, one of two things will happen.
Either the belief changes.
…Or the behavior changes.
And BECAUSE my belief is so deep-seated and ingrained within me, it is much more difficult to shift than my behaviors. So it was only a matter of time that these behaviors would match up with this belief within me.
As much as I tell myself over and over that I’m worth it, this is 30 years of crap piled one on top of each other.
30 years of “I’m not good enough,” “Whaddya know, I failed again,” and “You are destined to be FAT.”
It isn’t going to disappear just because I found a workout I love.
My beliefs about MYSELF aren’t going to change just because I discovered a new way of eating that works for me.
This takes time.
Talking it out.
Journaling.
Reaching out for support.
Being open and honest and vulnerable.
Doing these five-minute self-compassion exercises.
I was so confused when Robin suggested that I was self-sabotaging. Because I honestly believe that my opinion of myself has changed so significantly since last year. I love my self.
But there’s a saying that goes,“When we give ourselves unconditional love, we discover the conditions under which we were unloved.”
I think I’m reaching that point.
Reaching the point where I am experiencing all this internal confusion and these overwhelming emotions because I’ve got 30 years of side glares and unsolicited advice and hurtful words to sort through. None of which were intended to hurt me. But I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with it then.
So, layer after layer, they got added to my heart.
And now, here I am, trying to take each of those layers off. One by one.
Robin said something to me a few weeks ago. After noticing a pattern in my behaviors, she said, “We can talk in circles about your carb count. But there is some emotional baggage that seems to be the root of the problem.” There is more to health than food.
That baggage isn’t going to disappear overnight.
But, being more aware of my baggage and the self-sabotage behavior I engage in every few weeks is a really good place to start. Awareness.
It’s a slow process but I’m carefully and thoughtfully unpacking all the emotions I’ve got tucked away.
One piece at a time.
Questions of the Day:
- How do you deal with your own emotional baggage?
“And now, here I am, trying to take each of those layers off. One by one.” We ALL have these layers; some more than others. I am a part of that “some”, and I can say, take encouragement that you are not alone is this battle to reveal your real heart again! One way I peel through some of these layers is to write, talk to someone I trust, and (silly as it may seem) I light a fire. Burning a fire helps me in self reflection. “What do I need to burn away?” Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable! (That too will help!)
“You are destined to be FAT.” Okay those words got me. I completely related with this post. SO many times I wonder why I am not doing good with my goals and this makes so much sense. For my whole life I’ve believed I was just definitely to be bigger, but when I start to finally change, I fall of the wagon. Never thought about it this way before. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
This is so beautifully written and emotionally real. Thank you for sharing, I fall into these cycles of tiredness and low energy and I often need help climbing back out.
Love this post. I think you’re right, keep removing the layers. I use EFT a lot to help remove these emotional attachments. I also find to just sit quietly and acknowledge my own thoughts and beliefs is powerful. Then explore whatever thoughts and feelings come up.
Wendy recently posted…How Feedback Can Help You Grow Your Business
This speaks to me so loudly – aligning your beliefs with your behaviour. It can be confusing and it takes energy and attention to figure out, but it’s definitely worth it!
http://www.elleisforlove.com
I think the best way to describe how I deal with my emotional baggage is slowly. I’m equally sensitive and intense, so I need time to process and work through my emotions. I’m glad you’ve had this break through! At 27 years old, I’m doing the same.
One piece at a time is right and you will get there! I’m glad Robin helped you see what’s going on and is helping you figure it out little by little. Much love to you!
Beth recently posted…What’s Up Weekend 11.3.17
I love this – and it sounds like Robin is a great sounding board. I’m in a weight loss program and I feel like I’m plateauing and I have to kind of start all over again with the mindset that I CAN do this and I WILL do this. It’s tough – but we can do it!
-Lauren
ShootingStarsMag recently posted…Glossies Made Me Do It: Dua Lipa’s Debut Album
You’ve got this! I have no doubt that you’ll get to the root cause, examine it and move beyond it. Look at how far you have come in such a short time!
Hello Divi: you know how much I am connected with H H Parmahansa Nithyananda Swami. Just the idea or self sabotage itself is wrong and comes from creating a shaft of past failures and condemning ourselves. I remember Swamiji once say: there is no going back in life. Life only goes forward. So each time you start fresh and with renewed intelligence. So each time we try, our chance of success is higher than before. But, we mistakenly take each failure to be a stronger indication of future failure. Which is logically incorrect. I feel if she can just sit for daily Satsangs each day you will be out of you ever feeling that you are a failure.
The idea of unconditional love allowing us to discover the conditions in which we were unloved really speaks to me. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Emily @ Pizza & Pull-ups recently posted…Friday Favorites
I really relate to the feeling of not being worthy. That permeates so many areas of my life. Awareness is great – unless we’re aware of the negative thoughts we aren’t in a position to challenge them. One step at a time, we’re all a work in progress 🙂
Mind Over Meta recently posted…You Get What You Deserve: Don’t You?
This is so good! I’m working on my layers, too.
Akaleistar recently posted…Three things I learned from magazines this month (Glossies Made Me Do It!)
Each and every one of us goes thru various layers in life. Not necessarily health or fitness and awareness of the same. There are so many issues in life where most of us fail.
The key is pick up where you fall and keep going.
DivPiv you are doing great.
You had a week of fallout…. no problem… pick up from there and move on…
Its just a change of life style which you are very positively doing and we are proud of you.
Good Luck and God Bless!!
This really made me stop and think. Thanks for the honest post that can help all of us get through our downward spirals at times.
Penny Struebig recently posted…Five on Friday – November 3, 2017
Phew. You think changing behaviors is hard? Try again. I think changing long-held beliefs is SO MUCH HARDER. I mean, you don’t even realize when you’re believing something, because superficially you’re tryin to convince yourself of the opposite. But saying it out loud to yourself doesn’t mean it got through your thick skull. Argh. Frustrating, and a long, long process.
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