Over the past five years, this beautiful space of mine has transitioned from a “highlight reel” to “the real shit.”
Back in 2012, I would post all the great things. What was going well in my classroom. That one time I went to a bootcamp class. The salad – filled with veggies from the Campbell Farmers Market. All the things that made me look like a “put-together” human.
The french fries never got posted. The bottle of wine I downed after an especially difficult day with my students. I never shared the things I struggled with.
And when life got hard for five months in a row, I just disappeared from the blog altogether.
Obviously, a lot of that has changed. If you’ve read any of my recent posts, you know that I am way more open about the challenges I face.
I have nothing to hide.
But, back before this blog existed and even in the early years of Eat Teach Blog, I used to send e-mails to myself. To get that cathartic release of journaling. Without an audience watching.
Anyway, I happened to stumble upon these e-mails on Saturday morning.
And what I found broke my heart.
Reading the words back to myself gives me so much physical and emotional pain.
Every single post signed off with a comment about my weight or being unhappy about my physical appearance.
2009
It was a year of a lot of Herbalife shakes and/or Subway for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was paralyzed when a friend recommended we eat anywhere but Subway. And it was the year that I gained my confidence through people commenting on my appearance.
I made sure to document the clothes I wore when people praised me for how I looked. So I could wear them again and feel good. Because someone else commented that I looked great.
2012
I gave up on Subway. And I ate a lot. I stress ate all the time. I was a first-year teacher and I was literally just trying to survive each day. The guilt of eating crap and not working out ate at me every single day.
I let people tell me I wasn’t good enough. And then I fucking BELIEVED THEM. I changed my actions and my behavior because someone indirectly told me I was a liar for promoting a healthy lifestyle.
I said horrible, horrible things about myself. And guess what? The guilt never worked. In fact, it had the opposite effect. In 2012, I said horrible things about myself. And, over the next three years, I would proceed to gain 30 more pounds.
2013
I lived my life for other people. I couldn’t stop to acknowledge the excitement of my friends getting married because I was so focused on how I would appear in the dress I wore on their big day.
Yes, I was unhealthy. But, worst, I was unhappy.
And I sobbed because even after saying all of these cruel, terrible things about myself, nothing changed. I was still unhealthy. I was still miserable. And I wasted so much time feeling guilty for every action I took (or didn’t take).
Guilt didn’t work.
It never works.
I know you can’t always turn off the negative thoughts that creep into your mind. Even today, they show up from time to time. But the difference between my 2009 self and my present self is that I love the shit out of myself.
I fuel my body with healthy foods most of the time. But when I do decide to indulge in a piece of pizza or a chocolate chip cookie, I don’t beat myself up for it.
Life happens.
We move on.
I’m a work in process. But I’m also a masterpiece. And when you can treat yourself like a masterpiece, the “work in process” becomes a whole lot easier.
I don’t have it all figured out. But I do know that my voice has suddenly become the loudest and the most important. I don’t seek validation or attention from other people. And when I’m feeling icky about how I feel (NOT how I look), I figure out how I can take steps to feel my best again.
I wish I could package all these words and this advice and deliver it to my 20-something self. But maybe I had to go through all that to get to where I am now. Maybe we all have to go through this kind of heartache and pain to realize that we are actually pretty fucking amazing.
Whatever the case, I’m just happy I am where I am now. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I will forever be working toward a stronger, better, healthier version of myself. We should all be doing that anyway.
But I will never, ever, EVER tear myself down in that way again.
It doesn’t work.
The only thing that works is love.
Question of the Day:
- Do you sabotage your progress by criticizing yourself?
- How can you be your biggest cheerleader?
Absolutely love this. It is all so true. I struggle with my weight constantly, I hate to admit I do the same and speak harshly to myself not just about weight but everything. I am glad you have found your voice.
A very powerful post, and I think you’re right. It is only through love and self-acceptance; only by love will you do good things to yourself. Hatred will only make things worse.
Oh how I needed to read this this morning. I have been beating myself up over not having lost more weight. And all the negative talk gives me is the munchies. You are so right. I have to love and accept myself and only then can I move forward!
Kim M recently posted…Menu Plan Monday: October 23rd
What a raw, vulnerable, and beautiful post! I so relate to all of this on so many levels. I was always battling with my weight and an unhealthy relationship with food. It took a cancer diagnosis for me to wake up, realize how beautiful and incredibly strong and amazing my body is, and truly love myself on a cellular level. Now I would never criticize myself, and I only want to put loving, nourishing foods into my body. Self-love is the ultimate weight loss tool! I love my body inside and out, and because I treat it so well, it naturally stays thin. And I haven’t stepped on a scale or criticized myself once since my diagnosis. It was life changing – my hope is to get the word out there to love yourself, and not let it take a life-threatening illness to realize how amazingly beautiful and powerful your incredible temple is. xx
I sort of get that feeling too when I look at old pictures. I see myself and I think, “Ew, I was so fat.” Or something like, “Did my face look thinner back then? Do I have bigger cheeks now?” It’s hard to stop the negative self-talk once it starts. I have to remind myself I’m a work in progress, we’re all a work in progress. Remind myself that I’m not struggling for perfection, I’m working towards health. Remind myself that we’re all on this health and fitness journey to feel better, not to torture myself.
I love you for sharing this post! I think it’s important to look back like this, even when we’re in a good place, to remember where we were and how we got to where we are now. And to mourn for that person you were and to celebrate the person you are now. And you are right in the end what matters most is love. Love others. Love ourselves. <3
Beth recently posted…Secondhands Fashion Box Oct 2017
I love your honesty and willingness to share. You are absolutely right that guilt doesn’t work but it can be so hard to break away from. It sounds like you have grown so much in the last few years, awesome job girl!
Emily @ Pizza & Pull-ups recently posted…Weekend recap
Wow. This post. I’m so quick to beat myself up for decision – brownies, bottle of wine, 2 martinis, sleeping in – that sometimes I make my own head hurt. I used to be that girl, minus the emails, and I’ve come so far but I lapse sometimes and it’s hard. I saw a sign on a local church on Sunday morning – “It’s time to recalibrate.” It struck a chord. Like, it was meant for me to see because by Monday, the message was different. So, that’s what I’m working on right now because I’ve fallen back into the beating myself up again and I’m over it.
Jennifer @ Fit Nana recently posted…SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WTH HAPPENED TO FALL? (TOL #27)
It just goes to show how far you’ve come when you can look back on those emails and recognise how unhelpful they were to your wellbeing. Well done for looking after you 🙂
I’ve been dieting for 40 years! And yesterday I started wondering if the most courageous thing I could do was do what I know to do is right (eat healthy and exercise gently) and leave the results to my body. No more obsessing. Not more guilt. No more self-sabotage. Thank you for this post – it’s helping me head in that direction!
Proud of you my dear Divpiv to see where you are today.
Confident, positive, motivated, healthier, more fit, mentally and emotionally on the right track.
Great that you could share such a Daring post for others to learn from.
Go Divya Go!!
xoxoxo
I just want to hug your younger self. I had a lot of the same thoughts and feelings, and I still don’t always feel that great about myself. But I’m doing better and I’m finally seeing that I CAN do this – be healthy.
-Lauren
ShootingStarsMag recently posted…3 New Graphic Novels: Mini Book Reviews
All the love for you and this post. Your written words are like ones I have spoken in my head constantly over the years, thinking my weight was the foundation of my self worth. Loving ourselves shouldn’t be so hard, but it is. I’m so proud of you.
Corey | The Nostalgia Diaries recently posted…Week 42: Why It’s Important to Channel Your Inner Child, No Matter Your Age
You have had such an emotional journey. You should definitely be proud of what you have learned and even more proud of the message that you’re sharing.
Oh Divya, my heart hurts for that woman in those emails. You are so strong for sharing such a vulnerable time in your life. I love that you are now focused on building yourself up (since you’re pretty kick ass).
Danielle @ A Sprinkle of Joy recently posted…Custom Holiday Cards from Ben The Rooster
Oh, Divya. This post broke my heart for younger you. I want to hug her something fierce and tell her that she’s an absolutely amazing human being and all the things you eventually were able to see years later. AND THIS PART. It’s totally spot-on and something I kept thinking while reading some of your earlier emails to yourself:
“But maybe I had to go through all that to get to where I am now. Maybe we all have to go through this kind of heartache and pain to realize that we are actually pretty fucking amazing.”
I’m so glad that you’re not tying up your self worth to a number on a scale or how you feel in clothes or what some idiot might tell you about how you should run your blog (IF I WERE WITH YOU IN THAT MOMENT, I’D SPEAK TO HIM WITH MY FISTS BECAUSE #jerseygirl lol). LOVE you so much, my sweet bunny, and your evolution is something to be so very proud of <3
Charlotte recently posted…Currently—the October edition
Man, I SO relate to this journey. Overcoming weight issues has been one thing, but overcoming the heart issues behind them is a different game!
Laura recently posted…What It Means To Speak The Truth In Love
I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since my teen years, and I kept a private blog exactly like the emails you wrote to yourself. It was awful, and it makes me cry every time I go back and read it. I’ve recently lost a lot of weight through dieting and healthy things. I’m much more stable now. Oh, how we’ve grown!
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story! As someone who recently lost almost 20% of their body weight and started from a place of such self loathing, I know how hard it is. Good for you for practicing self love and coming to terms with loving who you are! xo, Brittany | http://www.theblistblog.com
So many people can relate to this post! I think it’s all about being healthy and the best version of YOU. Eat healthy, but enjoy an indulgence every once in a while as well. You only get one life so live it as best as you can. 🙂