A few years ago, I was standing outside of a classroom, while one of the children I worked with ran up and down the hallway tearing things off the walls. He was having a full-blown meltdown and I was standing there, waiting it out, ready to intervene 1) if anyone was at risk of getting hurt or 2) when he started to calm down so we could talk it out.
I had my eye on the situation. And I knew exactly when it was appropriate for me to approach this child. Yet, the thing about doing this OUTSIDE of the classroom – in the hallway where parents and administrators were walking up and down the stairs, wondering what the hell was going on – is that we were both exposed to public criticism and judgment.
He was viewed as being a “behavior problem” and I was viewed as the teacher who “wasn’t handling it.”
From the outside looking in, I looked like I was just watching the incident. Not intervening. Not making the problem disappear.
It was uncomfortable for me. I wanted to pull every adult to the side and tell them, “Don’t worry. I’m handling this.” But, I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have time for that. Because I needed to keep an eye on this child. The objective was to approach the child at just the right time. I knew I needed to let this play out, let him express his emotions. But I also knew I would need to intervene if it escalated to the point of hurting himself or another child.
I also didn’t want to step in too early. Because attention was what he was after most days. And giving him attention in the midst of this whole thing would only reinforce the behavior and I didn’t want him to think he needed to do this to get my attention.
So, no. I couldn’t exactly pull every adult to the side and say, “Hey. Don’t worry. I’ve got this.” Because, in doing so, I would lose sight of what I was attempting to do.
Reassuring others that I was doing the right thing was not as important as DOING the right thing. Because, by turning my attention away from the moment, I would immediately have stopped doing the thing I was supposed to be doing.
So I continued to focus my efforts on this child. Because, deep down, I knew that what I was doing was the RIGHT thing. I had such a strong relationship with this child and I was able to identify his triggers and predict his escalation cycle. I knew that it would only be a few more minutes until he calmed himself down and we could have a productive conversation about how he could have handled things differently. And I knew that he would then practice using some of the coping tools he had learned from his counseling sessions.
And then, together, we’d walk back into the safety of our classroom – where his teacher and his friends knew the process in which we come back from these moments. He would apologize to his teacher, attempt to repair any physical damage he made, and explain to his class how he was feeling. His class would then give him suggestions on what he could do when he was feeling a certain way.
The safety of a good classroom is a beautiful thing. You have this culture you create where your kids understand each other and know what to expect day in and day out. They understand that certain kids need a few extra check-ins throughout the day and they just carry on with their work until the child returns.
The few times that these moments would trigger discomfort in me was when the behavior slipped “out there.” Out there in the hallway where people had the potential to see how I “wasn’t handling it” by standing by, waiting for him to come down from it.
The outside observers were there for minutes. Seconds. A snapshot of this child’s journey.
They weren’t there watching the productive conversation that came after. They weren’t there when I praised him for using a self-soothing technique. And they weren’t there every day for the past three months, noticing that these escalation cycles were becoming more and more infrequent and lasted minutes instead of hours.
They weren’t my priority.
And I knew the minute the outsiders became my priority was the minute I was going to lose my child and all the growth we had made together.
Over time, I realized that people will have their opinions. They will make an assumption about my ability as an educator with a 2-second snapshot of how I handled a situation. (Or their perception of how I handled it).
But I knew – in my heart-of-heart – that I was doing right by the child. I was doing what was best for the kid. I knew – deep down – that my approach with this child was working and that was all I needed.
There was no need for me to stop and justify what I was doing. There was no need for me to have a conversation with the parents – reassuring them that I had it under control.
I had it under control.
I just knew it.
It’s been nearly two years since then. Two years since I was standing outside the classroom door, eye on my child, ignoring the confused looks and quiet judgment.
Two years since I had this realization.
But it’s only now that I’m realizing how applicable this is to LIFE. Not just in the classroom. Not just with my students. But a lesson I’m realizing about my own self and my own journey.
When you know that what you’re doing is right and when you know that what you’re doing is coming from a place of love, you don’t need to stop what you’re doing to justify your actions to anyone.
You don’t need to second guess yourself.
You don’t need to feel discomfort.
Because when your attention goes to these people or these feelings of guilt, you lose sight of what is important. The thing that you’ve shown up for.
All that you need to do is check in with yourself. Turn inward. Ask yourself, “Am I doing right by my self and the people affected? Am I doing this from a place of love?”
That’s it.
There is no need for you to seek external validation when you know – in your heart-of-hearts – that what you are doing is right.
Question of the Day:
- We all seek external validation. No matter how hard we try to turn inward, our society is constructed in such a way that we seek approval from the people around us. Our supervisors, our spouses, our kids, the strangers on the subway. It will never disappear completely. All we can do is work on turning inward – little by little. Who is it that you find yourself seeking validation from? Analyze that a little bit and figure out why. Are you doing the right thing? Is it coming from a place of love? Then why do you feel you seek external validation?
THIS!
Seriously, I LOVE this post SO much.
My youngest daughter—6yo Kaos—has Special Needs including Autism, global developmental delays, sensory processing issues, and is non-verbal (just to name a bit of the cogwork that drives her behaviors).
We’re no strangers to meltdowns and tantrums around the house of Bubbles and Chaos (and there is a definite difference between meltdowns and tantrums—I’m sure you’re aware, just dropping that note for other readers who might not be).
To the ignorant (meaning lack of the info/awareness of context—not namecalling or slamming here) observer, I know it sometimes seems like Special Needs parents are slacking on the job, so to speak. In fact, many observers have no issue spewing their judgmental, hurtful, and unsolicited parenting advice to said parents—especially if our kids don’t present with some sort of physical marker to signal a disability. I’ve experienced it. I see other parents reaching out for emotional support amongst our community everyday because of it.
It’s hard to shake off the external judgment, and it heavily impacts Special Needs caregivers. One of the top issues I see parents speak about is depression due to feelings of isolation, which comes about in part from lack of society’s awareness and feeling judged as a result.
Sorry for the ramble—I hope it’s coherent. It’s early and I’m responding on my phone (not my best writing method, lol).
If you don’t mind, I’d love to link to this post on BubblesAndChaos.com. I think it’s a nice fit for recommended reading for my community.
👌🏻👌🏻
The scene Divya described actually made me think about the character of Max on Parenthood. There were a few episodes that showed his behavior struggles and tantrums and how people handled it differently.
Parents and caregivers for special needs kids are amazing. Just amazing.
Courtney A. Casto recently posted…How Strangers from the Internet Changed My Life
I love how you extrapolate such wisdom and insight from this moment in time. It’s amazing how things stick with you for years, and then you look back and realize Oh yeah! This is what that means. Such an important lesson. <3 I could definitely learn to not seek external validation as much as I do.
Christina @ Hugs and Lattes recently posted…Make Time to Be Present w/ JORD Watches
What a great reminder to do what you know is right and explain later if it is necessary.
So relatable! I always struggle to turn off the peripheral vision of onlookers and focus on the situation. I’m getting better as time goes on!
Oh my goodness such a great lesson in this post Divya! I am very guilty of seeking validation and worrying about what others think but it is so true that if you’re doing what you know in your heart is right, you shouldn’t worry about everyone else! Thank you so much for sharing this story. You are an inspiration!
Beth recently posted…Holiday Tuesday Topics – Two Cookies You Have to Bake
A nice reminder to always trust your gut and that you truly know what’s right 🙂
Such a beautifully written post, Divya! It’s definitely something that applies to life. I often try and get validation from other people, but you have to know yourself first and foremost and the reasons behind what you do – and if those are good, then keep doing it. And I think you handled your child really well. Oftentimes it’s said not to engage with a child whose in the middle of a meltdown, because they’ll keep doing it for the attention it brings.
-Lauren
ShootingStarsMag recently posted…Show Us Your Books: Cozy Christmas Edition
I experienced that a lot when I first started being a substitute teacher. I knew what I was doing but since it did not look appropriate for them, I was criticized. I think that is why it took me so long to go back to school to get my teacher licensure. I thought I was not qualified to be a teacher. I am glad you continued to do what you knew was right.
What a well written post Divya. I am sure it applies to most of us in our daily lives.
You sure are an inspiration to all your blog followers Ms. DBM. xoxo
I love this post so much Divya. I’ve read it a couple times. This is such a tender story. That boy was so lucky to have you in his life.
I have found myself in situations like this where I stop to reassure others and it takes away from what I’m doing. It also comes from a place of shame, as if I am thinking that other people are shaming and judging me. I have been trying very hard to stop and ask myself, “Am I being authentic. Am I doing and saying the right thing?”
Thanks for sharing this story!
Courtney A. Casto recently posted…How Strangers from the Internet Changed My Life
This is my everyday reality. We’re working so hard on getting my son to be more independent and what looks like neglect to others is me trying to teach my son about consequences. It was terrible when he was younger and we were working on meltdowns and accepting that the world won’t always be as consistent as he’d like it to be.
Kristen Raney recently posted…How to Make DIY Christmas Gift Card Boxes
I’ve always had a huge respect for teachers, but your words just grew that respect even more. I love your heart and commitment to that child and I’m sure many more. This lesson applies to so many things in life! Parenting is only one example. I admit that I feel the need to validate my actions when they fall out of the norm. I wish this wasn’t my first instinct but instead stood strong in my own self-validation.
I love this post. I actually have a quote taped onto my desk at work ‘true warriors do not care what others think to conquer the battlefield. They don’t look for validation of themselves in others.’ I always need this reminder to keep doing me, and not worry about what others think. Thank you for sharing this!
I wish I had teachers like you growing up. Your great! 👍🏼