It’s 4:30am.

And I’ve been awake since 1:30am.

And it feels like I’ve spent the last twelve hours putting a child to sleep.

I got the baby down at 7:15.

Then I had to lay with Ishu ’til he fell asleep.

At 9:30pm, I tip-toed out of his room and went into our room and gently scooted the baby to the center of our bed.

Which woke him up.

So I nursed the baby and then put him back to sleep.

And then he woke up again shortly after and STAYED AWAKE FOR SO LONG. At 3:30am, I was DONE. I left him – crying – next to Ankur and walked out of the room. And came out to the living room and let myself cry a little bit.

I.

Am.

Done.

Ankur was eventually able to put the baby down to sleep.

And now they’re both sleeping.

I, on the other hand, am so filled with rage and anger and ALL THE EMOTIONS and I’M ITCHING ALL OVER BECAUSE COLD WEATHER MAKES MY SKIN SO DANG SENSITIVE that, of course, I cannot fall back asleep. Despite the fact that I am so so tired.

IS THIS MY LIFE FOREVER?

And then, of course, as I grumble and try to hold the baby down so I can put a sleep sack on him, I’m feeling PISSED AND SO ANGRY AT MY 5-MONTH OLD CHILD and he has the AUDACITY to GIGGLE? Like, what? WHY THE EFF ARE YOU LAUGHING RIGHT NOW? WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THIS SITUATION?

WHY ARE YOU NOT IN A DROWSY SLEEPY STATE? WHY ARE WE GIGGLING RIGHT NOW?

And then I feel a wave of guilt.

Because this helpless infant needs…help sometimes?

And, even when his mom is just grumbling to herself in the dark, he is so happy to see her face, he giggles?

So I’ve just been working myself through RAGE and then a little bit of a pity party followed by some guilt and shame. On repeat. Since, I dunno, 8 hours ago?

Gah.

Okay, I am going to go lie down for a little bit and see where that takes me.

I predict there will be a nap built into the day today.

Or lots of coffee.

Probably both.

Okay bye.