Ishu’s school has a few different entrances and each door has a code to unlock it.

Remember how I talked about how age 3 was so hard for us?

This was one of the things that stands out in my mind.

Every day, he’d want to push the code.

And every day, he’d have a meltdown if someone who arrived before us opened the door for us.

He’d melt down if someone walked out of the door as we were walking in.

He’d melt down if I needed to hurry and push the code because his little fingers were taking too long.

In hindsight, this was his need for control. In hindsight, everything is 20/20, right? I can see it so clearly now. He needed to control something and our morning commute to school was where he attempted it.

Wanting to walk this way instead of that way.

Wanting to go through this entrance instead of that one.

And, yes, wanting to push the code.

Dropping him off at school while he was kicking and screaming was not my cup of tea. Obviously. So, instead of holding the boundary and then holding space for him when he came apart, I’d give in to these little requests.

Sure, you want to tell me which door I should walk out of when we walk out of our building? Fine. How harmful can that really be?

Until.

Of course.

He would melt down if I didn’t walk out the exact door he wanted me to walk out of.

It led us down a very slippery slope. He wanted to control things. I wanted him to go to school happy and not crying. So I thought if I just gave into these small requests, we’d be in good shape.

Wrong.

If anything, it made it harder for him. Because there was probably some subconscious part of his brain and body that were like, MY MOM HAS NO CONTROL. SHE’S PUTTING THE THREE YEAR OLD IN CHARGE. WE ARE ALL DOOMED.

Anyway, when I started to realize that *I* was part of the problem, we figured things out. And then, over time, drop-offs were no longer overwhelming or stressful for me. He bounced in like a happy little kiddo who was thrilled to go to school.

Now, a year and a half later, I walk out of his school and I see other kids standing at the keypad, waiting to push the code.

And some parents seem to take it in stride. They don’t seem as sweaty and flustered as I do. They simply look up as I walk out and say, “Oh, you can close the door! He wants to push the code today.”

And I have flashbacks to me over-apologizing to all the people waiting on us. All the people behind us. All the people holding the door for us. Panicking that my 3-year old was wasting everyone’s time. Panicking that if we did or didn’t do this one thing, drop-off was going to be miserable.

And it was.

Because that panic I felt was being absorbed by my child.

Making it very difficult for him to be dropped off to school.

They feed off our energy.

And I was giving off a frenzied, flustered energy.

God bless good friends and good therapy that helped me get through some of the hardest moments of my life. Now there are some days he pushes the code. Some days he doesn’t push the code. But MOST days are pretty calm, pleasant days at drop-off.

Maybe it’s because he’s not 3 anymore.

But maybe it’s because this mama realized that in order to help your child regulate, you gotta focus on regulating yourself first and hold some of those boundaries. Because, sure, they push ’em. But they sure do need ’em.