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“If you do that one more time, I am going to take away your computer time.”
.
“I warned you. Now you only get 10 minutes of computer time.”
.
“That’s IT. No computer today, tomorrow, and the rest of the weekend.”
Hey parents – how many times have you gone down this path with your kiddos?
I’m no parent by any means, but I AM a teacher and I used to catch myself in these moments more often than I’d like to admit.
It’s not that your child doesn’t care about computer time. In fact, I’ve dangled some of the most dazzling, exciting carrots in front of my students, thinking that it would get them engaged or attentive or, at the very least, compliant.
Yet, despite the fact that I had 1) warned them their favorite incentive would be taken away AND 2) actually TOOK the incentive away when they didn’t follow through with my expectation, the behaviors continued.
I liken it to my own experience as an adult who has been trying to fight off an extra 30 pounds on my body for the past 20 years of my life. It’s not that the end goal isn’t appealing to me. And it’s not that I don’t KNOW what to do. I know pretty darn well what foods will help me burn fat and what foods (e.g. my beloved french fries) don’t help the process. But my impulses take over and I do things I know aren’t going to help me meet my goal. Does it mean I should be punished because I couldn’t resist my impulses? Or does it mean that I let it go, learn from my mistake, and keep trying to work toward creating an environment that I can be the most successful?
Why can’t we do that for our kids?
I recognize that certain actions may cause for consequences. I truly do. But I don’t believe that the consequence itself fixes the problem. Ross Greene touches on this in his books, Lost At School and Explosive Child. We punish our kids by sending them to detention or to their rooms. But what has that done other than displace the child? Have they walked away with new skills? Did you change their environment so they won’t be triggered the next day?
As an adult, I know my trigger foods. I’m not a person of moderation. I cannot successfully keep a bag of open chips in my desk drawer. Cereal is a no-go in the house because I can’t cut myself off after one bowl. I allow myself treats, but I refuse to buy them at the grocery store and house them in my pantries because I know myself and I know I don’t have the self-control to eat them one at a time.
As an adult, I’ve figured out what foods trigger my bad behaviors. And I’ve identified how to create an environment that helps me feel happy and successful. In addition to controlling these external factors, I’ve also developed new skills along the way.
- Learning how to cook healthy foods that also taste really good. This keeps me from wanting to stop at the drive-thru on the way home.
- Knowing how to add more volume to my meals with vegetables. I’ve picked up on a few tips and tricks through meeting with dietitians or being involved in weight-loss programs.
Related Article: Working with Children with ADHD
And, while I do what I can, I also recognize that life is unpredictable and know that there will be times when every external factor can’t be controlled. Social events are always centered around food and drinks. The staff room is always filled with baked goods and other treats. I can’t control everything. So I try to apply the skills I’ve learned. Most times, it works. And then there are days when my impulses take over.
That doesn’t mean I’ve lost everything I learned. That means, sometimes, I struggle with self-control.
Just like our children.
Let’s face it. When a child is doing the same thing over and over and over again, despite your nagging warnings that they will get something taken from them, a consequence isn’t going to fix the problem. They want the dangling carrot. But, sometimes, their impulses take over and they can’t always keep their eye on the prize.
It’s time to think of different solutions. The consequences alone aren’t working. Perhaps a change in environment is needed. Or maybe they haven’t been taught a replacement behavior. Or maybe they just need help developing the skills to ask for the things they need or to “survive” the situation they’re in.
Are you using consequences and feel like they aren’t working?
Let me know in the comments. I would love to hear what works and what doesn’t work for your little one(s).
This was so insightful for me as I am a mum and I feel I struggle with the same issue. Thank you for the post. 🙂
This has given me a lot to think about. We live in a society that operates on using either the carrot or the stick to achieve results, I love how you suggest finding alternative solutions.
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I do use consequences, but base it on a case by case basis. I have 3 boys and each of them are very different in personalities. I like to talk through their struggles with them instead of just immediately jumping to discipline. Great post!
I love your comparison to your own life! It’s so easy to make up this whole different set of rules or expectations for kids, which makes no sense.
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We’ve slowly tried using consequences with our son, though I think he’s still too young to understand. I do think he responds better to a change in environment or a step back to talk about the behavior instead of us just taking something away. And such a good point about us as adults too! I know the consequences of my actions, but it doesn’t always mean I think about it! I might do so more now!
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This is really interesting, and an issue that I’ve dealt with many times while working in schools and as a family therapist in training. Children with ADHD don’t do things because they’re bad kids, they do things because they can’t control their impulses. You’re absolutely right– a consequence won’t work if all it does is make the child feel bad and doesn’t teach them what to do better.
My 10yo has ADHD and consequences/disciplines mean nothing to her. Never works.
This is great! Honestly it hasn’t been such a struggle until now. My youngest was always great at understanding consequences until this summer. I have notices that when I suggest he do something else instead and re direct the fall out is so much better than when I just take away or stop whatever it is he is doing at the time. And he puts down video games for reading time so I can’t be doing that bad right? LOL
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I loved the examples ,the topic and the circumstances are so familiar.I I’ve dealt with many times . l iked the way you were putting it, this has given me a lot to think about.
I love this perspective! It would have come in handy when I was preschool teacher! But will definitely use it when my 8 month old is older!
I love your take on this! Great analogy to help make it relatable and help put things into perspective.
This is very insightful and helpful, thanks for sharing.
Great post – and I like the comparison. I think that makes it more easy to understand for people. I don’t have my own children either, but I have nieces and nephews and I know that it’s not always going to work just to tell them they won’t get something – or even take something away. They’ll do it again.
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I agree a change in environment can be helpful, but I also think consequences that aren’t related to the behaviour in any way are also not likely to be effective… if it’s just not logical, it is difficult for the child to understand why their behaviour has resulted in a consequences that makes no sense to them, essentially making the consequence seem “unfair”
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I agree consequences are not always effective sometimes it is best to look for other ways to deal with these types of children. Giving out consequences is the easy way out but the child isn’t really learning anything.
All the information here is so good! I love how you made it so easy to relate to and understand <3
Your behavious towards trigger food is just so me…loved reading this and yes I’ve had to use those techniques for my little cousins..it works when they are about 3-4….but once they get older, it’s a different ballgame game
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I feel you 100 percent. I’m also glad you linked it to adult behaviors. I hadn’t thought of it in that way! I will try to think of new approaches for our toddler.
Hi! I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in the ring, as I think that in this post you are actually referring to punishment, which often does not work, according to research…. in the behaviorist world, consequences can be both positive and negative (although positive and negative are also used differently as well)… but for example,a pay check is a positive consequence for doing your job. I like your suggestions for addressing behaviors… and I will take it one step further and say that usually finding the function (the “why”) of a behavior helps us to try and implement things to change it.. all behavior is communication! Just food for thought 🙂
Interesting topic – I’m both a mum and a Clinical Psychologist who worked in CAMHS for 8 years. Personally I try to change behaviour with positive reinforcement (if you do x, then you’ll get y – and sometimes this means reminding my children that they won’t get y if they don’t do x). I also try where possible to talk through what’s going on for them, particularly if they are upset, and try to help them work out what they are feeling (sometimes I manage this better than other times). But I also believe strongly in consequences to actions. I believe we need to teach children that they can’t go through life doing anything they want with no consequences – because they can’t. Our entire society, rightly or wrongly, is based on the premise that there are consequences to actions (e.g. Break the law, pay a fine, probation, jail etc). I think it’s part of parenting to teach this to our children. I also firmly believe in picking your battles. So for me consequences (such as something being taken away from them or them not getting something) are always applied when they hit or intentionally break something (like the patio window that my 3 year old and her friend recently broke by throwing stones at it!!!).
Sorry just one more thing! I think it’s also important to remember that all children are unique, and therefore what works for one child won’t necessarily work for another (I know my own two children are totally different!). So whilst I try to keep the same principles in my parenting, the way I do it is different for both. At the end of the day, I think most parents just do their best – sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don’t but being good enough is the main thing.
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