Aside from Tuesday, I’ve been keeping Ishu home from school this week.

His teacher is out this week and with the DNC stuff happening downtown, I’m not quite sure the assistant teacher would feel comfortable taking the class out for an extended period of time.

So, I kept him home so we could go on outdoor adventures since the weather has been pretty darn great.

The one downside to not having him go to school is that I’m on ALL DAY. I haven’t had a chance to restock our fridge, prep any food, put away the laundry, or just get our life back in order after the fam left earlier this week.

And I think it’s FINE for the most part.

Except that we go all day ignoring the things I want/need to do in favor of doing the things my kid wants/needs to do, and then by the end of the day, I’m ANGRY.

If he skips a nap, he’s a grump. And his grump brings out the grump in me.

And so, without fail, for the past two nights, I’ve said something hurtful in a really angry tone to my kid.

Yesterday evening, the baby woke up from his last nap crying and wouldn’t stop whining/crying for the next two hours. I finally decided to plop him in the bath with his new bath toys that he got for his birthday.

Ishu, of course, spotted the new toys and decided to take them for himself. I took the school bus out of the box and handed it to Riyu before placing him in the tub. The school bus slipped from his hand and Ishu snatched it up and wouldn’t give it back.

After three times of gently explaining that these were Riyu’s toys and that HE was sharing them with Ishu, I lost it.

I told him to leave the bathroom. To get out. He stomped his feet and said, “I WILL NOT.” So I scooped up the baby and went into the other room. And, of course, Ishu followed.

The baby, meanwhile, was screaming. Ishu followed us screaming. And then I inevitably started screaming, “LEAVE. GET OUT!” Prompting tears from both Riyu and Ishu.

“HE’S CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU!” Ishu shouted over the baby’s cries.

“I KNOW. AND I’M ANGRY BECAUSE OF YOU,” I yelled back.

Oof.

Not my best work.

I know.

When things finally settled down a couple minutes later and after I apologized for raising my voice and saying what I said, the two brothers took a bath together.

They were splashing around and having so much fun together.

Ishu kept peppering his brother’s face with kisses.

I smiled down at both of them, “See? You love him so much. Then why is it that sometimes you are so mean to – “

And then I cut myself off.

Because as I started saying that to Ishu, I reflected back on my SELF.

*I* love Ishu so much. SO MUCH. And, still, there are moments I’m so mean to him. It has nothing to do with how much I love him. It’s that some part of my body feels dysregulated and I am acting based on how I’m feeling internally.

SAME. GOES. FOR. MY. KID.

Anyway, I don’t expect myself to be perfect. But I *do* expect myself to learn from these things that have happened between us.

In the same way I expect Ishu to think about what he could do differently when he accidentally hurts or upsets his brother, I need to ask myself what could be different to avoid the evening explosion. What am I not giving myself throughout the day? What is causing me to be so off balance that leaves me yelling at a four-year old doing normal four-year-old things?

GAH. This whole parenting thing really shines a light on all the ways in which I need to work on myself.

It’s a real walk-in-the-park. (If the park is on a mountainside slope and you’re walking through it blindfolded with a bunch of rocks and tumbleweed in your way and there’s lots of yelling and screaming and, every once in a while, someone shoves you from behind).

Okay, BYE.