Many, many years ago, I wrote a blog post worried that my sensitivity and big emotions were seen as a sign of unprofessionalism. The fact that sometimes I couldn’t sit through an IEP meeting without crying was something I was so self-conscious about.

“Too sensitive” were words that described me growing up.

I wrote that because I was starting to realize that, while it was challenging wearing my heart on my sleeve like that, it was also one of my biggest strengths.

Having big emotions MADE me good at my job. It made me committed to my students and families. Made me invested in what I spent my time doing day in and day out.

And now?

Now I’ve got an almost-5-year-old with big feelings. And sometimes I find myself quick to write him off.

“Too sensitive,” I think.

“You can have your big feelings, but YOU DON’T NEED BIG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR THING.” I want to yell.

A few days ago, he was upset about something and it kicked our morning off on a pretty sour note.

He was upset. I was triggered.

We were both yelling over each other at one point.

He sat at the breakfast table, tears rolling down his cheeks, shouting, “YOU MADE MY HEART BROKEN. YOU BROKE IT.”

When things settled down, I sat next to him and apologized for losing it. I explained that sometimes I get so FRUSTRATED when I can’t “REACH” him. When things are spiraling and he can’t hear me. But that I know that I need to be the grown-up to figure out a way for us to calm down.

On the walk to school, I put my arm around him and asked him how his heart was doing.

He responded by saying, “It’s back together. Except…” and he lifted up his fingers to demonstrate the anatomy of his heart, “…there’s a little crack in it right here. Like this. But it’s almost back together.”

I so badly want things to be fixed RIGHT NOW.

But I also know that sometimes my words and actions have more impact than I think they do.

“I understand. Mama really hurt you and it might take some time for that to get better all the way.” I responded.

“Yeah,” he looked up at me, “maybe by the time we get to school. We’ll see.”

Ha.

I have a child with the biggest feelings.

And I catch myself thinking it is going to be a problem.

But then I’m reminded of the realization I had many, many years ago about myself and MY heart.

It can be our biggest challenge.

But it is also our biggest strength.