It’s been one year.
One year of my body growing his body.
I remember the moment they placed him on my chest in the post-delivery room. They expected me to know what the heck to do. How to hold his head. How to feed him and comfort him immediately.
I was clueless.
What I really wanted was to pop my boob off and hand it over to Ankur so HE could feed the baby and I could take a LONG nap. (And trust me when I say we definitely tried some version of this. It’s hazy but I have visions of Ankur holding the baby up to my chest while I was in and out of sleep).
Latching was hard. I didn’t know how to do it right and the initial pain made me want to quit immediately.
With the support of lactation consultants and friends and a shit ton of lanolin cream, I pushed through the first few weeks.
I never imagined I would make it this long. I thought I’d give myself a couple of months and then transition to formula and then cow’s milk.
Even now as Ishu has become such an active nurser and wants to do the downward dog while drumming on my belly AS he nurses, I find it difficult to call it quits.
It’s become more than just a means for feeding.
It’s the way I comfort him. The most immediate way to calm him down.
And now that he’s 1 and we’re placing him in daycare, I want to actively wean him. But it’s hard and it’s emotional. And I didn’t expect it to be so messy.
It’s just another one of those things where you think things will pan out a certain way because that’s what you want in your mind. But you forget that there’s another little person involved in this relationship who isn’t quite ready to move on.
So, we’ve cut back on the daytime feedings. But he still needs me at night.
And I’m okay with that.
Even if it means I’m up at 3am because his active feedings have made him fall back into a deep slumber and left his mama completely awake.
This is all temporary.
Some day, he’ll sleep through the night. Some day, he’ll choose to find comfort in other ways.
For now, I’ll let him make the call. He’s only little for so long.
Touching post. Yes, there are two of you involved here so it’s not just your decision: it’s partially his. Breastfeeding offers superior nutrition and psychological benefits to a baby. I didn’t realize until reading your words that it also affects the mother emotionally. That makes sense. I’m glad you’re staying aware that this is a transitory period in life; later on, you’ll probably look back on it with deep emotion.