Yesterday, one of the veterinary professors walked into our office to talk to me about building a remediation exam for one of his students. Students have to “remediate” exams when they fail courses during the school year. What that means is that they’re responsible for independently reviewing all the information covered in the semester and then they come to our campus to take their exams over the summer.
Which is where I come in – as the Exam Services Specialist.
As I’ve mentioned before, I “build” the students’ exams. Sometimes faculty will ask us to pull up their old questions stored in our online, secure software program. Or, when they write new ones, I proofread and edit them and ensure they follow specific question-writing guidelines.
This faculty member walked in to ask for a draft of his old questions from the “question bank” online. I made a little post-it note to remind myself to send this to him later in the day. Then, he decided to sit down and chat a little bit.
I’ve never worked with this professor before so I think it was his way of getting to know the new girl. We spent no more than 5 minutes talking, but by the end of the conversation, he knew that I had my Masters and I was (am?) a special education teacher.
I’ve found that – as time goes on in this teeny-tiny town in my new, vet-school job – I feel an urgent desire to tell people that I am 1) well-educated and 2) just “doing this vet school job for now,” but it’s not my REAL job.
Am I crazy? Arrogant?
I’m just surrounded by professionals and I’m constantly reminded that I’ve put a hold on my career while all these people are doing research and advancing their own.
I know that their opinions of me shouldn’t matter. I know that I’m an accomplished person. And I don’t need to defend my actions to anyone.
I don’t know why I feel the need to let everyone know that I was (am!) a teacher. That I went to graduate school too. That I’m really effing smart. I might as well just wear a sign around my neck with my resume attached to it. So I don’t have to eagerly wait until someone asks me where I’m from, why I’m here, and what I did back in California.
I feel slightly embarrassed that I feel the need to prove myself.
But I have this weird notion that people perceive me as the domestic housewife who takes care of her husband and the house. (Which, don’t get me wrong, I am happy to take on to some degree. I’ve got pretty great domestic skills. My dish-washing skills are on POINT*. But it’s not the only thing that I do. And I just want people to know.
*Please sense the sarcasm in my writing.
Questions of the Day:
- If YOU were to wear a sign around your neck so people knew something about you, what would you want it to say?
- How do you suggest I get over this crazy complex I have?
I wouldn’t feel the need to explain myself to strangers, or colleagues with an explanation or something personal. I’m a private person and I don’t trust easily.
I don’t know how to get over your need for validation as a woman with a family who chooses to work…I would imagine accepting yourself, understanding itelligence is something that translates through your own works, would help your need for validation, but I couldn’t be sure it would entirely help as an outsider. Good luck with that, though. Seem like a smart cookie to me, if my opinion accounts for anything?
Thanks for being so open about this! I can so relate!!!!! When becoming a mom, I wanted a sign that said: I am more than just a mom. Even though I was so proud of being a mom, I still felt the need to prove that I could do more than change poopy diapers and get stains out of clothes. I still fall into this trap at times, depending on who I am around and what I am going through at the time. I just continue to work on myself and do plenty of self-care to muttle through. I have found though that at certain times it has nothing to do with what others think but what I think of myself. Usually when I am trying to prove something to others, I am really trying to prove myself to myself. Complex I know! 🙂 You are so normal!!!! We all go thru it! Maybe start tearing down those walls and see where the annoyance really lies, are you really trying to prove yourself to them or yourself? Loved this post! Thanks again for being so honest!
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I hear you!! As a SAHM, I often feel that way too. Like you I used to teach, and have a masters in early childhood education. I think it’s because we have an idea of what is considered “intelligent” in this country, and if you didn’t go to college, then many people view you as “less”. Which is stupid, b/c you know what. College isn’t for everyone. People who go to trade schools to learn crafts are freaking smart too.
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As a stay at home mom myself, I always feel the need to point out that I have a university degree and a decade long experience in senior management positions. People draw conclusions and make assumptions because they see you at home. My kids had to endure the “is your mom qualified to teach?” question when I started homeschooling them. I suspect this had nothing to do with my teaching skills, but an inquiry into my literacy levels in general. It happens all the time, and you are not weird for wanting to set the record straight. I do not know though whether it is worth one’s time to do so.
zim recently posted…Starting the low carb diet – my journey
Hard not to compare when younger. Now that I am older nope don’t care what other people think. I speak my mind, am kind, give service and people can think what they want.
candy recently posted…Radishes Fermented
I love this article! Great insight.
I understand your feelings and definitely can relate. Just try to remember to share what you need based on your personal inner beauty. If you make good choices and don’t let vanity base your accomplishments. Your gonna be respected for your true worth. If your proud share it, you earned it!
I totally understand your feelings and that it must be hard to not be doing what you truly want to be doing. I don’t think it’s arrogant at all, you worked hard to get where you are and it’s ok to want that to be known!
Beth recently posted…What’s Up Weekend 5.19.17
I always am trying to prove myself to others, so I can totally relate. I want to feel just as valuable as they are!
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Ugh. I get this. Like, I really REALLY get this.
I think I once offended my entire summer-job-place by saying I was working there until I got a “big girl job.” Oops… fortunately it was a coffee shop and they’re still nice to me when I go in for food.
For the first 3 years out of college I worked as an administrative assistant (for 3 months), then a transcriptionist at an appraisal company (for 3 years). I called myself a “technical writer” when asked, but I think most of the women I worked with didn’t have anything higher than a high school degree. (Which is TOTALLY fine, but as a college graduate I felt like the job didn’t suit my skills.)
Now I work with my husband as a customer relations person/marketing director/office manager/everything. I feel SO good at this job and I really an utilizing what I studied in school (communication, English, business), but I know a lot of people think I’m just collecting a paycheck because I’m married to the owner/boss/etc. Which 100% sucks because I work my ass off alongside him and do 10xs more at this job than I did at my last.
Whew. All that to say, I understand.
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This is awesome, thank you for sharing this post!
I totally understand feeling this way. When I first started working from home, I felt like I needed to explain that even though I am home, I am still working. I finally realized that I enjoy what I am doing and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. If my family is happy, I am happy.
I can totally relate to this. As a freelancer I feel like I have to justify my education and experience level a lot, particularly when someone wants to pay less than minimum wage for a service I went to grad school to learn how to do. I think some people see writing as a hobby, not a career, so I have a bit of a complex about how my job is perceived as well!
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I understand where you’re coming from. I was going for my Master’s degree and I was working as a library page at a public library. A page is the person who puts away books and whatnot at the library – so basically teenagers tend to apply for this job. I’d see people I knew and it did make me feel a bit weird sometimes, because I’m thinking “hey, I’m getting my master’s degree!” and then for a few months after, “Hey, I HAVE my master’s degree.” I don’t really tell people because hey, I know, right? But at the same time, I get it.
-Lauren
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Being a stay at home mom I find myself shouting out the credentials of my past quite often. I’m not just a mom, I’m a brain too.
When I worked retail I didn’t brag about my education much, but there were times when I felt like I had to point out to the customers that I was not just a dumb associate but instead a manager that did hold a degree, I can manage counting back from nine just fine, and I can interpret policy like a boss. 😉
Over time though, I’ve stopped shouting out my resume to everyone who I meet…mostly because over time I feel like I’ve lost that entire identity. I’m a mom, and I’m a writer, and I have new big plans on the horizon, and they speak louder for my character than my past.
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I think most of us have this complex in some for another. How brave of you to reflect on this. I mention my masters degree as well … I am proud it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.
I appreciate your honesty. I know how you feel. I took 2 years off when Jake was born to be home with him and I always feel the need to explain that to death when people wonder why I was out of work for 2 years. To me this just means that you know where you want to be and what you will be doing again someday.
It’s so tough when you feel like everyone is moving on except you. I’m in that boat now with not having kids. I feel like I keep having to say, yes, we ARE trying, it just hasn’t happened yet.
Rose recently posted…Spring Inspiration
I know those feelings, too. I think wanting to prove yourself is natural when you are surrounded by new people. They don’t know you, and the only way they will is if you tell them who you are.
Akaleistar recently posted…6 Mini-resolutions for an awesome summer
Try this: talk about you blog, your great post on ‘what really matters’ – talk about anything but your degrees and how smart you are. The authentic people who should be in your life will come back for a second chat.
Kirstie recently posted…Random Sagittarian Bluntness: It’s Time
It really all boils down to what defines you. I know a lot of things and have a degree in nothing and for a long time I felt unsuccessful and I let others opinions and judgments affect me but the truth is since I have stopped caring about that and even though it tends to be a lonely place, I have achieved more success career wise than I ever had.
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This was an interesting post! I recall feeling the same way sometimes in grad school. I had several different jobs over the years then, and sometimes felt frustrated with them. I remember the feeling well of wanting to say “this is not my lifelong job.”
Trish recently posted…Dear Abby – Animal Related Collection – Beth’s Whale Collection
I love how honest this post is. Mine would say I keep my negative feelings to myself because I don’t like making people feel uncomfortable.
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Ooooooooh yesss I feel this SO hardcore. I am the exact same way. Factor in that I have PTSD, which causes me to have problems that people without educations usually have…like being really poor and needing food stamps. The other day I was getting them renewed and the guy was telling me about all of the educational programs that people have access to when they are on food stamps in my state. I don’t blame him for assuming I was uneducated…most people with advanced degrees don’t need food stamps. But when I asked him if it would cover a teaching program (because hey, I’m going to therapy; my most acute trigger may..hopefully..be resolved soon, and I think I could do a lot of good at a high school for at risk youth or something) he started explaining that the required a 4 year degree. To which I replied, “well I have a Master’s, so I’d just need the certificate.” And he looked at me and said, “then what are you doing here?”
It was actually ironic because I think he suffered from the same complex…earlier in the interview he had managed to fit into the conversation the fact that HE had a Master’s degree from a prestigious military academy. So I didn’t…but I really wanted to ask, why was *he* there. Not that there’s anything wrong with working as a social worker…but this was an aeronotical engineering school.
Anyway, long comment aside. My point is:
1. I’m smart and have an MFA even though I’m poor and traumatized!! (haha)
AND
2. It’s weird, but I think a lot of people who feel that their current “station” doesn’t match their ultimate goals suffer from this complex. It’s okay though. Just because you, or I, or the DSHS worker aren’t living our dream yet, doesn’t mean we won’t ever. And being a homemaker is sweet and important too. So is helping people get food stamps. So is healing from trauma.
<3
I am not sure I know what I’d want my sign to say. I do know that I have the same crazy complex you have.
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I can get that feeling. I often wonder if people see me in the grocery store with 3 kids in tow and are waiting to see me pull out a food stamp card or something. Often I actually sort of flash that debit or credit card or even cash as a sign that I work to support these kids and boy do we work hard to support them. It’s funny what we think internally about being less than sometimes just by appearances. It’s normal and okay to feel how you feel but maybe focus on the logic meaning you are smart, you are educated and you are able to be respected regardless. When we turn our focus away from our “what ifs” such as what if this person is thinking this about me, we end up making ourselves sad, angry, bitter, etc. Just my two cents, go you on your successful journey!
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My sign would read “I am ready to leave now. I am not afraid”.
Loved your HONEST post Divya.
I don’t think you need to prove anything to anyone.
Your Blog, your Education and your Success will eventually speak for itself.
You are a smart, successful professional young lady.
And last but not least A Loving Caring Wife.
Just be yourself.
Hugs.
xoxoxo
I can relate to this post so much. Years ago, when I was still working the corporate 9-5 job, I always wanted to prove to my supervisor that I am more than the tasks they assign me. However, they took it as being arrogant and they thought I was after their position. OMG. How narrow minded some people can be. I resigned because I felt unappreciated. Its funny, my resignation letter had an ending clause that read, “I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.” 🙂
I do the exact same thing! Especially when I was a stay-at-home mom, I wanted to tell everyone that I was a professional (also have my Masters). I get it!
I have the same complex right now… I have had such a hard time finding a job here in Norway that when people ask I can get really defensive about it. I have my undergrad degree in International Business and worked my butt off to complete my MBA in 1.5 years… yet I am a stay at home mom here in Norway since I don’t know the language. It is really hard for me.
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