Ishu caught a mild cold on our less-than-48-hour trip.

He doesn’t have a fever, but he’s got a runny nose and he was pretty irritable yesterday. It was rough. I think he didn’t feel great on his insides and didn’t know how to fix it. So it manifested in a lot of crying (to the point of gagging a few times) and weird behaviors I haven’t really seen before.

A lot of pushing and pulling. Closing the door and then screaming for me to open it. Opening it and then shutting it again and then screaming for me to open it.

Ankur said it was his way of trying to “fix” whatever feeling he was feeling inside. But every time he did something, he realized it wasn’t working to fix the feeling inside him. So that made him feel more frustrated.

At the hour mark, I texted Ankur and said, “I think I’m going to lose it. I’m pretty sure my blood pressure is elevated and I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together.”

Ankur was at work but texted back.

I was trying to stop the crying to get him to sleep because I think he was also overtired. But I think my attempts at trying to get him to stop crying were actually making him cry more.

And making me lose my mind.

I attempted to turn on the Encanto soundtrack, but that didn’t work. And then eventually, after Ankur’s text, I decided to turn on the TV. He sat there, trying to get the word “miracle” out in between hiccuping and tears rolling down his face.

I felt defeated. Like, I know he didn’t manipulate me to get the TV. It wasn’t the TV he was after. But the fact that all of this ended in ME not being able to comfort him, but the TV. Well, that didn’t feel right.

Eventually, he calmed down. I mean Mirabel Madrigal really does have a way of calming you down, I guess.

And I stood in the kitchen, stress-eating popcorn and giving myself some space from the situation. Texting my village to help me feel OK about this decision.

Eventually my heart rate calmed down.

Eventually I put away the popcorn.

And eventually I joined him on the couch for snuggles. I sat down next to him and he shimmied on over to be closer to me. And all felt okay once again.

It’s crazy. This motherhood journey. Some days you think you’re the best of the best. The cream of the crop. And some days you feel paralyzed and don’t know how to make your next decision and you question everything.

It’s so hard. And it is making me tear up rehashing everything today. But we got through it. And he’s currently crawling around shooting ping-pong balls out of a paper towel roll.

It’s a new day. And I am, once again, humbled by all the amazing people who do the hard work of raising children. It’s no fuckin’ walk in the park, that’s for sure. Not when you care about how your kids are gonna end up.

Thankful for my village of humans who helped me navigate a very hard day yesterday. And who will probably have to help me through many more hard days in the future.