I’m HERE. Though, if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know I never left. I just don’t come on HERE (the blog) as often, but I post daily on FB and IG because I’m a millenial and I share too much information about my day-to-day.

Honestly speaking though, these random ramblings I share each day are like my version of therapy. My moments to find the silver lining in really challenging situations. My reflection on the good, the bad, the ugly. The feelings and thoughts I’m having at any given moment. They just help ME process. And the reason I share all of this with the world – instead of my private journal – is because a lot of people who follow me on those pages are teachers. And there’s something really nice about sharing my experience to a group of people who just GET IT.

Anyway, gone are the days where I share posts about my salad for lunch or the workout I did over the weekend. I barely have TIME to eat my lunch, let alone take a picture of it each day.

And working out has taken a backseat lately.

I got sick back in October and it took me a while to recover. Kids are oh-so germy and you can say, “Cough into your shoulder” a zillion times until you’re blue in the face, but I don’t think they quite get it.

I made a trip out to California to surprise my mom for her birthday back in early December. I just showed up at the airport and said, “Surprise! Happy birthday! I’m sick! Take care of me!”

And she patched me up and sent me on my way with a bag full of meds and food and all the other nice things moms send you home with.

I’m hoping to get back in the groove soon. I did walk once this week. And I went to a yoga class. But I also pulled a muscle in my back/neck on Thursday because a kiddo decided to jump on me when I was squatting at the table, working with another student. I leaped up to prevent falling backward and here I am now – unable to move my head left and right or up and down without wincing in pain.

Working with kids is a dangerous sport, my friends. Especially kids who need ALL the attention.

Before I left for break, I was feeling really good about my schedule and the kids schedules and the independent stations we had created for them a few months ago. I was going to expand on the stations so that I could really provide the kids with more individualized support when they were in our room. But then, after winter break, I got a new student who needs supervision 100% of the school day. Not only that, but because he’s new and needs to learn his schedule and systems and ways to communicate and how to earn his reinforcers, I really have to be with him 1:1 on this point until he gets it.

Life just has a fun way of keeping you on your toes, am I right?

I was really pissy on Friday as I was leaving work. I felt so frustrated. We knew that coming back from winter break was going to be challenging for our students so I was hoping to jump right back into a routine. But this new kiddo has significant needs and needs someone to be with him all the time. By his side. To respond appropriately, to hand him his reinforcer immediately, and to remind him about his schedule frequently. So, while I’m doing that, the other kids are like, “What about me?”

So, instead of jumping back into routine, we did the opposite. Which has all of our kiddos doing things like screaming or melting down or jumping on my back for attention.

Don’t get me wrong. I already love this new kid a whole lot. But there’s only one of me and so many little humans that need so much.

I refuse to let myself believe that I’m not doing enough. The old Divya would have thought that she was failing. That she could be doing more. That the kids would be better off with another teacher.

The current Divya knows that this SpED system is broken and you can swap out the very best teacher in the world and he/she would not be able to clone themselves and be in 5 different places at one time.

The old Divya would have felt guilty venting about her frustrations. She would have said things were hard, but SHE could work harder and SHE could spend less time writing blog posts and more time creating materials for students.

The current Divya knows that it serves nobody to pretend that everything is OK. She knows that she is working her butt off, but she also has a husband she wants to spend time with, a grad school program she is trying to complete, and the 15 minutes a day she spends blogging or journaling is helpful for her to keep her sanity so she can continue to show up and be the best version of herself (or close to the best version – cause, let’s face it, my patience is wearing thin).

This wasn’t supposed to be a vent session. But, hey, it’s how I’ve been feeling these past few days.

Call me a negative Nancy. But if you’re a SpED teacher right now, it’s likely you know this feeling all too well.

Now, I guess I’ll go brew some of that magic juice, plaster a smile on my face, and get to work.

Send us all the positive thoughts and good vibes. Please and thank you.

Question of the Day:

How was your weekend? What were the lows? What were the highs?