I’ve been kicked out of our family bed.

Temporarily.

Even though Ishu stopped breastfeeding a few months ago, he is still waking up in the middle of the night, trying to seek comfort under my shirt.

Sometimes I’m too exhausted (or even still asleep!) to notice. But then it eventually wakes me up. And I try to turn the other way or tuck my shirt in. And, well, he does NOT like that. So then he’s up and I’m up and Ankur’s up and we’re all miserable humans.

So I’m kicked out until further notice.

Ha.

Apparently, Ishu did a great job sleeping without mama by his side.

Mama not so much.

Even though he’s not there waking me up throughout the night, I think my body and brain have gotten so used to the frequent wake-ups. I was pretty restless all night.

But we’ll do this for a few days and I’m sure it’ll be good for both of us.

This feels like a small step to start the process of getting him into his own bed.

It’s weird – this whole parenthood thing. I CAN’T STAND WAKING UP with his hand under my shirt. And now that I’ve been given the opportunity to CHANGE it, I feel emotional not sleeping by his side.

My logical brain keeps saying, “Stop being crazy. You can’t have it both ways.”

And the kinder, more empathetic part of me is saying, “This is normal. Emotions can feel confusing. You want something and you don’t want it. All at the same time.”

It’s all allowed.