In two days, my baby will turn 1. I have spent the last few days reflecting on this past year. Specifically his birth and the first few weeks after we brought him home from the hospital. Today, I want to write out what I had wanted to share last year. But I was too tired, too covered in spit-up, and too emotional to sit down and attempt to be coherent.

Ishaan’s due date was April 12th, 2020, but little guy was so comfy inside the big, cozy home his mama made for him that he just blew past his due date with no plans of coming out. So we had to make the plan for him.

April 17, 2020

On April 17th, they put a Foley balloon inside of me to start the induction process. They taped the tube to my right thigh and sent me home, telling me to head to the hospital the next day if I didn’t go into labor overnight.

The tape came off. Blood ran through the tube and fell onto our bedroom carpet. It was a messy experience. And gross.

I was eager to head to the hospital and get this whole baby-delivering thing over with. But I was reminded of words that one of my friends (and now mama of 2) shared with me. “Keep ’em in you for as long as you can. If they’re in you, they’re not outta you.” Which now, as a mom, I 100% UNDERSTAND.

I never went into labor and the balloon never fell out.

April 18, 2020

Around noon, Ankur and I took our hospital bag and said bye to our parents and Rosie, expecting that we would see them the next day or the day after.

Because of COVID, there was only one entrance to the hospital and when we got to the labor/delivery unit, we were asked to wait outside the double doors until a nurse came to get us. We set our hospital bag down and waited for about a half hour, texting with our family members. Eventually, someone led us into the unit and took us to Room 12, the induction room.

At 2pm, a nurse removed the Foley balloon. I guess it had fallen outta the cervix, but never fell outta me. So there’s that.

Around 3pm, we had lunch. Ankur ate a sandwich he brought from home and I ate a turkey sandwich from the hospital. (Which made me giggle because they tell you things like don’t eat deli meat, but maybe rules like that don’t matter when you’re past your due date. Essentially the baby’s all cooked).

At 4pm, they placed a larger Foley balloon inside me. And then I went to go pee and blood splattered all over the floor. You’re welcome for that visual.

Then we had dinner. I had a chicken enchilada. Ankur had a chicken salad sandwich. We ate while watching Star Wars episode 7.

After dinner, we were taken to another room (Room 3) where they started misoprostol doses. They started using this thing called the “Monica” to track our heart rates (mine and baby’s) and my contractions.

I don’t think either of us got much sleep that night because the nurses would come in and readjust the monitors and/or bands.

April 19, 2020

The next morning, the midwife pulled the Foley balloon out. At 11am, I got to shower and THAT WAS GLORIOUS. At 1:30pm, the Monica monitor went back on. The midwife checked how dilated I was around 7pm and I was only at 4cm. So, at 8:30pm, they started the first round of Pitocin.

Again, another night of restless sleep as people were in and out frequently to check on me and on the baby. And oh so much beeping from all the machines.

At this point, I thought the baby would already be here and we’d be discussing whether it would be safer to head home instead of remain in the hospital. But, there we were, with baby still inside of me. We did NOT anticipate the hospital stay would take this long so Ankur’s mama and papa packed up some additional stuff and food for us and Ankur met them outside of the hospital that evening.

We were spoiled with keema paratha and I’m SO GLAD I decided to eat mine because it was going to be the last meal I had before getting the epidural and had to stop eating.

April 20, 2020 AM

At 3:50am, I felt a slight trickle of wetness coming out. I wrote in my notes, “possibly water broke and is leaking out slowly?” I was right. That “gush of water” was not a gush at all and it felt more like I was peeing myself. Very slowly.

At 4:05, I thought I had to poop. Turns out it was the beginning of contractions.

I did not even give myself an hour before asking the nurse to call the anesthesiologist for my epidural. Seriously blown away by all the mamas that do it naturally because whatever I was experiencing for that hour was painful as shit and that was only the FIRST HOUR. I don’t even want to know what the intense contractions would feel like. No thank you.

They gave me the epidural but I was still feeling pain. So they asked someone else to come in and re-do it (and she did it MUCH BETTER because after that, I was a happy little clam).

April 20, 2020 PM

They had nurses come in and check how dilated I was every couple hours. Because my water had already broken, one of the nurses said they’d be able to get rid of those ridiculous bands tied around my belly and monitor the baby internally. They stuck an electrode directly onto his scalp somehow. Well, first she had her nursing student have a go-at-it and, when she stuck it in me and pulled back out, the machine was showing that the baby’s heartbeat was super erratic. I FREAKED the eff out. But the nurse calmly said that the student must have clamped it down on baby’s hair. She re-did it and the baby’s heartbeat was back to normal. Phew.

And THEN, ready for the gross stuff? When she pulled the stick thing outta me (that she used to insert the electrode), A BUNCH OF MECONIUM CAME OUTTA ME. The baby’s poop was just flowing around inside my body. (I know that’s not exactly what was happening, but that was exactly what I was envisioning).

They really, REALLY don’t prepare you for all the gross shit (literally) that happens when you have a baby.

Anyway, that’s where my Notes app stopped.

Because it was all such a blur after that.

I remember the doctor coming in a few times to talk to me about how I wasn’t dilated enough. They reassured me that the baby was fine and I could continue waiting it out until the morning. But, at the level of pitocin I was getting, they subtly encouraged me to move forward with a C-section. Especially since my water had already broken.

I could tell that they really wanted to be mindful of any “birth plan” I may have had. Lucky for them, I didn’t really care about HOW this baby came outta me. Just that he came outta me safely.

I also REALLY didn’t want my baby to be born on April 20th, so Ankur and I agreed to move forward with a C-section around 11:30pm or so. Which meant the baby would DEFINITELY be delivered on April 21st. Wham bam. Not a 420 baby.

April 21, 2020

From the minute I agreed to a C-section to an hour after they pulled him outta me and sewed me back up, I did not stop shaking. They said it was normal. The adrenaline and the fluids running through my body. The anesthesiologist that stood behind me the entire time was amazing and probably the only reason I didn’t have a panic attack mid-surgery. But I was shaking so intensely that when they offered to place him on my chest, I said ‘no’ immediately because I was afraid I’d drop him.

Fortunately, Ankur was happy to snuggle baby Ishu. And it was the sweetest thing when he first spoke to our baby. Because in that moment – after Ankur spoke – Ishu stopped crying and looked up at Ankur. As if he recognized his papa’s voice immediately.

I remember that.

And I remember being so tired as they wheeled me into the post-delivery room. I wanted to feel ecstatic. I wanted to feel that all-consuming love that mothers talk about.

But what I really wanted was sleep.

After several days of getting NO sleep in the hospital, I wanted to do nothing more but hand my baby to someone else and nap for days.

We didn’t get to do that. Ishu was ours. For keepsies. And, somehow, we were responsible for taking care of him.

It’s been a year since then. I still haven’t gotten that sleep I wanted. But, in that year, I’ve gotten all the snuggles, all the giggles, all the love that this heart of mine can hold.

Can’t believe my baby will be a toddler in two short days. And I can’t believe I still haven’t gotten that sleep.