Yesterday, I woke up and skimmed through my e-mail and noticed the one on top had a subject line that read: “Receipt for Your Payment to iTunes and App Store.”

The timestamp said 5:23AM.

While I was still snug as a bug in my bed.

Unless I have some sort of weird sleep-shopping disorder, I wasn’t the one who had ordered something through iTunes.

“I’m being robbed,” I thought.

I’ve been scammed once before and so, naturally, I was terrified that someone figured out my password and was burning through all my money on Paypal.

Frantic and paranoid, I ran to grab my laptop so I could figure out how to stop the thief. 

I quickly logged on to Gmail and contacted Apple Support through the link in my e-mail. I knew this was going to be a difficult thing for me to navigate because I have about 85 Apple IDs. So when I was asked to enter my Apple ID, I chose one that sounded right and hoped for the best.

Eloisa answered and seemed a little too enthusiastic for it being so early in the morning.

No time for greetings, Eloisa. 

I’m getting robbed AS WE SPEAK.

Don’t let my calm, cool typing demeanor fool you.

I was a disaster. Fumbling over keys to solve the puzzle of the missing money.

I secretly wished that Eloisa would have checked my purchase history because it would have made the process go a whole lot faster.

But, no.

The girl who never remembers her Apple ID was tasked with the mission to log on and figure out her recent purchases.

So, I opened up the browser and tried to log on.

It must have been a while since I logged on to their website because this screen popped up to make sure it was actually ME logging on.

I rolled my eyes and groaned. Because of course the security measures are in place NOW. Now that I need access to my own account. But some stranger out there found a workaround to this two-step verification and was STEALING MY MONEY.

I grabbed my phone to look for a text message with a verification code.

Nothing.

I checked my spam folder in my e-mail to make sure it didn’t somehow get sent there.

Nope.

So, I clicked, “Didn’t get a verification code?”

I waited a second or two for my text message. But it never came.

Instead, this message popped up on my computer.

“Your Apple ID is being used to sign in to a device near Shawnee, OK.” 

I panicked.

The thief was trying to use my account again.

I quickly clicked, “Don’t Allow” and kept holding my phone up toward the window to get signal. Hoping that the text message with the verification code would arrive and I would be able to log on and screw over the thief from Shawnee, OK.

It wasn’t coming.

I refreshed my inbox.

No e-mail.

I went back and clicked, “Didn’t get a verification code?” again.

But the thief from Shawnee was FASTER THAN ME. It popped up again.

This happened two more times.

My heart was beating so fast. I was so nervous that this person in Shawnee, Oklahoma was going to find a way to lock me out of my account and spend all my money.

Even worse, I thought that if the thief could find a way to hack into my account and buy something, they could easily find out where I live and come KILL ME.

Fortunately, Google Maps told me that the thief was 13 hours away from me. So, at least I had half a day to figure out what to do (e.g. pack up all of my things and head to CANADA).

I saw a blinking window behind my open browser.

Eloisa.

Oops.

She had asked me three times if I still needed her help and almost ended our chat because I was non-responsive.

I quickly typed a message to her.

(Again, don’t be fooled by what looks like a calm online demeanor due to my lack of punctuation or emojis. I WAS TERRIFIED IN REAL LIFE).

Eloisa responded with:

An estimated place?

AN ESTIMATED PLACE?

SHAWNEE, OKLAHOMA IS NOT AN ESTIMATE.

THAT’S A WHOLE DIFFERENT STATE. A WHOLE DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.

Eloisa explained that the text message with my verification code wasn’t coming through because I kept hitting, “Do not allow.”

I kindly explained to Eloisa that my device was in Harrogate, not Shawnee. And that Apple should focus a little less attention on their “iPhone X” and a little more on their “estimates.”

I know I’m out in the middle of nowhere, but I mean, COME ON.

Eloisa “lol’ed” at me and said that I was at battle with myself for the past ten minutes. Not a thief from Oklahoma.

I felt so relieved.

Slightly embarrassed.

But, still, relieved.

But that still didn’t solve the issue of the charge on my account for something that I never payed for.

So, once I was able to actually get the verification code, I logged onto my account to view my purchases.

$49.99 for a year subscription to MyFitnessPal.

My 30-day trial was done.

They were just charging me. Like they told me they were going to do one month ago when I signed up for the trial.

PALM TO FACE.

I apologized to Eloisa. I chuckled to myself that I was in such a frenzy. And I promptly went back to bed because that was way too much action for a Sunday morning.

Maybe this is what happens when you’re in your 30’s.

Maybe the Internet becomes a more difficult place to navigate.

Or maybe I’ve just become an overly paranoid person who thinks the world is out to get her.

In any event, it makes for an entertaining story.

And also a nice little reminder that I will never again laugh at my mother when she has Internet struggles.

Clearly, I’ve got my own too.

Questions of the Day:

• How many Apple IDs do you have?
  
• Do you have Internet struggles?
  
• Do you think I’m crazy?