Yesterday, the first year medical students had an exam. Which meant that the few days leading up to the exam, the girls and I found ways to entertain ourselves.
It’s been so wonderful to have these ladies here to spend time with. Not just because they’re entertaining and funny and enjoyable to be around. But because they get it.
They know what it’s like to be a medical student’s spouse. We’re all on the same schedule. We all tip-toe around our husbands the night before an exam. And we all understand that the next few years of our lives are going to be anything but stable and settled.
I’m not complaining. In fact, I’m excited about this journey Ankur and I have taken on together. But, it’s been so nice to have stumbled upon these three ladies. They’ve become my support system, my venting buddies, and my lifelong friends.
It’s just human nature to be attracted to the people who are going through similar experiences. It’s why I’ve collected so many “teacher friends” over the past few years. You surround yourself with people who understand your highest highs and your lowest lows.
Crowdsourcing Your Feelings
A few weeks ago, I was added to the Lives of Doctor Wives Facebook group. Their mission is to support women – like us – who are partnered with medical students, residents, fellows, and practicing physicians. Suddenly, my world opened up to thousands of women who got it. They understood the acronyms. And understood the unpredictability. They themselves had gone through the medical school madness and come out alive.
I’ve definitely been a lurker and haven’t contributed to any group threads. But a lot of the questions or concerns that come up resonate with me. Some are really helpful and others are opportunities to vent or seek advice. Sometimes those ones come through an administrator as an “Anonymous” post.
One of those Anonymous posts caught my eye a few days ago. Not so much the question. But the response that she got.
One “doctor wife” reached out and said, “I’m wondering if any of you have been in a situation where your husband complimented another woman in front of you. Recently, my husband complimented one of his female partners on her outfit. I thought her outfit was really nice too, but was it appropriate for him to do? This has never happened to me before so I guess I’m looking for how others feel about it and if you’d be upset or not and why or why not?”
The perfect response:
Allow Yourself to Feel Whatever You Feel:
Even though each person responding may have had good intentions, the advice-seeker was probably left feeling more confused about the situation.
How to Trust Your Feelings:
It’s not easy to try to navigate emotions on your own. It’s why we create friendships and open ourselves up to love. The support system we receive through friends and family gives us a safe space to talk about our feelings and sort through the mess and confusion that our mind creates.
But, like everything, there is a balance to it all. We must allow ourselves to sit with the feeling and feel the feeling before opening it up for others to dissect.
It’s something I continue to struggle with. And it’s something I continue to work on in big matters and in small.
So, while I’m grateful to come across wonderful people who I can commiserate with and feel supported by, I am also thankful for my intuition. Because, apparently, I’ve got a lot of inner wisdom. I just have to quiet everything around me in order to listen to it.
Questions of the Day:
- Who is the person you turn to when you need emotional support?
- Are you an independent problem solver or do you seek guidance?
I seek guidance sometimes when it comes to my kids, but my feelings when it comes to personal matters are definitely my own.
YES!!!! Allow yourself to feel…so many times yes. I tell my kids all of the time “It’s ok to be sad. Give yourself time to be sad” Everyone is so afraid of negative feelings.
Yessss. It’s so challenging when you have a child who has difficulty managing his emotions, and parents will say things like, “Why are you sad? We just did ____________.” Or “Get over it.”
Though our words seem small (to us), they have more impact than we realize.
Ooh this is really good advice and something that I am, for sure, holding onto both for myself and for my kids. Thank you for sharing this so thoughtfully. I (truly) appreciate this.
When something doesn’t feel right always pay attention to that feeling. I have meant several people who made me uncomfortable right from the beginning. Turned out I was right to have those feeling.
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I like be that you have written this. As a counselor, one of the issues I find is many women do not allow themselves to feel what they are truly feeling. Our emotions are our emotions. However, many times one doesn’t even know what that emotion is. I allow myself to feel. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive spouse and a good group of friends who are my emotional support team.
I agree the woman’s feelings were her own and I’m curious what she was hoping to get from the group. I feel for her because I’m sure that was painful but she should definitely recognize those feelings and talk to her husband about it instead.
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You’ve basically put into THE perfect words what I’ve been learning over time about my feelings. Somehow I used to feel that I needed to validate them via getting other people’s opinions about the situation. With time I’ve realised I don’t need to go down this route (99% of the time I’ve regretted crowdsourcing my feelings anyway). Thanks for talking about this!
YES. I’m in the same boat. (And I have to catch myself before doing it time and time again). But I remind myself that more times than not, I end up more conflicted and confused.
Written so very well. Trusting on your own feelings is so important and it takes a great concentration to hear the positive inner voice! Thank you for sharing! 🙂
First of all, that’s so awesome you are able to connect with so many people who share a similar situation! Secondly, I like the idea you bring up about crowdsourcing. I’ve been thinking about this very topic for quite a while now, especially with the current political atmosphere. Specifically, how people let others’ feelings and beliefs shape their own when we should be relying on our own personal feelings and formulating our beliefs on those. Some people need to feel validated for their feelings and that’s why they “ask the audience” but then you’re still at the risk of having someone who might not agree with you alter your feelings. So complicated! Rule of thumb, it’s always best to go with your gut!
Yes! And I’m always so quick to looking online and trying to find out more information and scrolling through Facebook and reading friends’ opinions that I sometimes wonder how much they sway my opinion.
Such a lovely post! How amazing for you to have connected with others that are in your same situation. Thanks for sharing.
Maria
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You’re so REAL Div and I t shows in your writing. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
Xo
Love YOU so much. <3
Wow… This. YES this. I totally crowdsource my feelings, too. Maybe not in online public forums, but I totally go to my friends sometimes to validate how I’m feeling. I think it’s often natural, but you’re right–having that input from others can really muddle with what we are internally feeling IN OUR GUT.
That said, I also love that you have found such a wonderful group of women online and IRL who are experiencing the same things you are. I always find that there is a true sisterhood when you can relate to women who are going through the same things you are <3
Hope you have a great weekend, my sweet!
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I love this so much! Our feelings are our feelings and we should always be allowed to have them and not let others belittle them!
It’s true we sometimes seek the company of people going through similar things in life.
So wonderfully written! Thank you for this! Happy Friday xxx
I agree with the one person’s answer, we should feel free to feel what we feel. Sadly, in a world where we offend everyone crowdsourcing our feelings and/or responses to situations is something a lot of people do. Great post!
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I definitely don’t share my feelings with random people unless it’s a close friend I trust. My marriage is discussed with my spouse and my kids I may seek advice from my parents or friend.
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I’ve been holding up my feelings for too bloody long now and I can feel it spreading through my body like poison, so I’ve finally come to terms to letting it all out and not pretending to have it perfect all the time.
That’s pretty cool – I’m learning something new about you all the time, Divya. 🙂 What kind of doctor does your husband want to be when he’s all said and done?
What an interesting read ad. I kind of like how it’s phrased, that your feelings are your feelings and yours alone. I love bouncing thoughts or things I’m struggling or grappling with off others, but ultimately, like you say, you just have to go with your intuition.
Have a great weekend my friend and I’m so glad you joined us. 😉
xo
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I think he’s still unsure about what he wants to specialize in! All we know is that he LOVES anatomy. 😉 I think he will probably figure it all out during 3rd and 4th year when he’s out doing rotations.
What a great title! I can kind of relate to so much of what you wrote here. I am not a medical student spouse, but before I returned to my first love of publishing I supported a variety of doctors. Residents are a special breed that’s for sure. I’ve had to a talk a few of them off the ledge for lack of sleep, running on empty and now their mentor has ripped them a new one. The bulk of my experience was in a cancer centre supporting radiation oncologists. It was a remarkably unforgettable experience, one I’ve considered writing about because it isn’t what people think at all. Occasionally I met the wives of these doctors, in some cases they were so grateful I was a part of the team because where they left off at home, I picked up the baton in the office.
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I think once a week at least I say “let me feel my feelings.” Love this!
amen!!! I love the point you are making here. Our feelings are valid, because they’re ours. And if we judge ourselves off of how others would react, we may make the wrong decision in how to handle the situation for ourselves personally. Love this!
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I love this post, Divya! Thanks so much for sharing. I do think it’s true. People are going to feel differently about different situations – asking other people how THEY would feel might just make you more confused or even feel guilty about your feelings. You can’t help how you feel.
Also, I love that you have a support group online and in real life of women that GET IT. Always nice!
-Lauren
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We have friends who are both doctors. They tell stories all the time about med school (and they are some crazy stories!).
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i reach out to people as well, which actually helps but will definitely leave me confused sometimes. im so glad you are able to connect with other ladies going through that. if you already don’t you should check out Parita’s blog – http://www.myinnershakti.com her husband is right now doing residency i believe and she talks on and off about that topic. on a side note, her blog is general is awesome!
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Thanks for sharing!! <3 I'm excited to follow her journey!
I like the phrase “crowdsourcing your feelnigs.” I have done that in the past. It helps me a lot to talk things through with a trusted friend. I have a best friend from way back that I always can call and talk things out with; that is usually what I do.
It sounds like a great idea to be in a support group for doctors’ wives. I can see how that would be a great source of support and community!
This is so spot on. I think that making the decision to start listening more to my intuition was one of the best choices I’ve ever made. I love the idea of not running from our emotions but seeing what they have to teach us about our lives. Great post!
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This is so good! Yes! I don’t think it’s a good thing to crowdsource your feelings… like you said, your feelings are your feelings. We’re all different and we’ll all respond to certain situations differently, so we shouldn’t rely on how others would feel to validate or invalidate how we feel.
I do think sometimes people need guidance, but definitely not from a large group of people. I have a small group of people that I consult when I feel I need guidance when making a decision about something. They’re people that I know well, people who know me well. When I go to them they ask me a lot of questions and that’s essentially how they help me decide.
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I’ve learned to listen to my gut and feelings as they are almost ALWAYS right. I do struggle with opening up to others outside of mom, husband, and best friend – but they don’t always get the issues at hand.
That wife might have some insecurity issues if she got flustered so easy,either that or she has the connection to her husband. Being nice with a comment isn’t a sign that one’s spouse is suddenly playing the field. I think the response to this was perfect.
As you know Relationships is my topic and so I do have strong opinions, I think it’s ok to ask advice and I am sure that asking strangers is probably easier than those close to you but honestly in this case it seems to me her feelings were already decided and she wanted validation not advice which says that perhaps she knew her feelings might not be totally rational. At the same time you really want to be careful who you invite into your relationship..jus sayin.
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This is so true – and I love the description of this as “crowdsourcing your feelings.” I’m someone who needs to talk out my thoughts in order to figure out how I feel about things, but I make it very clear to my friends and family that I’m NOT asking for their opinions unless I explicitly say so. I guard my thoughts very carefully so that my decisions aren’t influenced by other people’s opinions unless I absolutely can’t make up my mind on my own and it’s stressing me out (which only happens once a year or so!). Because I know this is how my mind operates, when my friends come to me with problems, I’m very careful to ask them if they want opinions or just need to vent.
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I should start asking my friends/family to allow me to speak without offering me advice or opinions. My mom is someone I often turn to when I have an issue or concern about something, but she so often wants to “fix my problem” as Mama Bears so often do. They never want to see their child struggle so they’ll always come back with a solution or something I should think or say or do. Perhaps if I approached the conversation with that being the starting line, “I want to talk about something but I just want you to listen unless I ask you what I should do,” things would be different.
What a great post and question. I have to agree with the person who answered anonymous. How could anyone tell you how you should feel on something of that nature. And I agree with you, that anonymous must be even more confused now than she was before. I have had the same best friend for the last 25 years so she is always who I turn to when I need to talk. I’m so thankful that she is there for me and my family in every way.
First of all, I love this! I think you are completely right in the observation that looking to others for answers when it comes to your personal feelings makes for a lot of confusion. Also, just because someone else doesn’t agree with how you approach your relationship doesn’t mean that your process is wrong. As long as you and your partner are able to communicate in a positive way that works for the two of you, that is what really matters. Thank you so much for bringing this to light!
Allowing yourself to be true to your feelings is so important. We often censor our words for the benefit of others and it is not always good for us.
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Wow, this is certainly something I have never even thought about before, but now I realise I do this all the time. I constantly don’t trust my own feelings and seek others’ opinions instead. I guess I like the validation that what I may be feeling is okay, or I want to be told if I’m overreacting about something, but my poor heart and mind have their own feelings, and I should try to listen to them more. This was a really helpful post, I’ll make sure to share it around in hopes that it will help others too 😊
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Hello again my dear Divya. What a great post.
I love the title of the post “Crowdsourcing your Feelings”……….
It is always best to go with your own gut feeling but does not hurt to get advise from a near dear one like a mom, sister or best friend. (one should certainly not ask for advise on an open blog or facebook or social media).
You are blessed to have your own lil group of young ladies to hang out with when hubbies are busy studying.
xoxoxo
I’ve had the same best friend since 6th grade and she’s my go to person to ask about things. Sometimes I bounce my feeling off her just to see if I’m overreacting to a situation. I love that she can be extremely honest with me, and I with her.
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I’m with you that far too often we ask other people about a situation so that they can tell us how to feel. And we shouldn’t be doing that at all, unless it’s Dr. Phil. Ok maybe not him either. We feel how we feel. That should not be up for debate.
The more appropriate question to ask is why we feel what we are feeling. Someone abused by their spouse shouldn’t feel guilty for the abuse, yet they often do. I guess the woman’s question shouldn’t have been how should I feel, but are my feelings an over reaction to a situation; or even are my feelings the opposite of what they should be? It’s a fine line but I think it’s ok to figure out whether what we feel is a normal reaction or something else that maybe a therapist, not named Dr. Phil, should work through. Thought provoking post!
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I am surprised I never thought of this very much before, and I love your point. I used to often go to my friends for advice on situations. And most of the time it makes me read into the situation way more than I need to. YOU know your spouse best, YOU know your feelings best, and there is a reason you and your spouse are together, and not your friend and your spouse. Thank you for sharing this point, I will definitely be more aware of when I do this in the future 🙂
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I feel that asking advice on a matter is one thing, however, crowd sourcing feelings as in this case is completely another. I am too in a lot of groups and it rubs me the wrong way when people post things of this nature. I tend to read them as a form of attention grabbing.
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