For most of my life, I’ve been the girl that was constantly seeking validation and approval from other people.
I am a sociable person who values relationships more than most things. So, to feel “liked” or “accepted” by somebody else gave me an unexplainable thrill.
When I was younger, I got such pleasure from eavesdropping on conversations where my mom’s friends would tell her how well-behaved I was. And as I grew older, being liked by my peers was even more desirable. I teetered the line between wanting some attention but not too much. I wanted people to notice me. But I also didn’t want them to notice what I thought were the negative parts of me. (The unibrow, for starters. Indian girls are hairy. Yes, even at the tender age of five).
In elementary school, I used to bend over backwards to appease my friends on the playground. I promised them beanie babies and brownies. Anything that I could gift them to make them want to stay my friend.
In middle school, I was the girl who brought nearly 25 Christmas gifts for other girls in my class. Not expecting any gifts in return. Just their friendship.
This is what I thought was necessary to build closeness. To develop a relationship with other people.
I had to DO something FOR someone in order to RECEIVE love for myself.
And then, I, in turn, took THEIR love for me and somehow felt validated. Their love defined my worth.
20 years have gone by since those days. 20 years have gone by and so much has changed.
That approval and love and validation that I had been chasing after for twenty years is here.
But it didn’t come in the way I had once imagined. It didn’t come from running after people screaming, “LOVE ME. HUG ME. BE MY FRIEND.”
Instead, it came in my 30s. When I stood in front of my mirror and said, “I love you. I love you with every piece of me. You don’t need to do a single thing for anybody else to believe that you are worthy of this love. You are worthy of this love because you are you. And you are amazing.”
It’s kind of funny to see what the universe brings to you when you make that kind of shift within your self.
Once you make the choice to love yourself – no matter what – the universe throws an abundance of love your way. In so many different forms. From so many different people.
Turns out that people tend to gravitate toward happy people. People tend to want to spend their time with people who are confident and positive and content with life.
I didn’t know it back then.
But I do now.
The love and validation was within me all along.
I agree.
We tried too hard.
Thankfully we are wiser and smarter now.
Thank you for putting it into perspective.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad that you learnt that the love and validation was within you. So often we place importance on what others think and (as you say) bend over backwards to get others to like us. I’ve found over the years that sometimes people end up taking advantage and not valuing the person behind the gifts and kindness.
There are people in my family who I’ll never be good enough for no matter how hard I work or what I achieve and lately I’ve taken a step back and realised the issue is with them not me.
It was a very big moment when I arrived at this conclusion.
I’m happy with me – that is what matters. Wish I’d realised years ago but better late than never.
I designate you to be the author of “MY BOOK” – we will talk about it later, but for now kudos to another episode!! Bravo, its OK if it took you all this time to realize the self love and self edification. The universe responds to oneness , the boomerang, echos exactly what you cast and put out. It’s a reflection, a mirror, you get back in return what you put out, but, most importantly you cannot give that what you don’t have for yourself. “SELF TALK” – SHAD HELMSTETTER
I love this. Confidence and loving yourself can be such a powerful thing in life.
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Love this! It’s tough to truly love yourself, faults and all. It’s still something I struggle with, but I have definitely gotten to the point where I don’t try so hard. People will like me for me. And it’s true that people gravitate toward happy people. 🙂
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I love this! Self validation and love is hard but neccessary!!!
I really resonate with this post, I too used to seek the love and validation of others and used to think something wasn’t right if I wasn’t receiving as much as I gave – but also in my 30s I have learned it’s most important to love myself. Such great perspective here!
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I really resonate with this, and my journey has been similar. Thanks for sharing!
This! Divya! This! This is it, the truth. They can’t love us if we don’t love ourselves! Im glad you know this now! I am 35 and just figuring this out! Also that friendship goes both ways. If they can’t love you for who you are, they don’t really love you. No need to impress anyone but yourself 🙂 . You rock!
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This is two days in a row that your posts have really gotten to me. My journey of self love has had it’s ups and downs, and the ups are always accompanied by great companionship.
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Another one of your great posts.
I am glad you have come to realize this truth of life.
They have to love you for you……
Love you soooo much Divpiv!!
This is such a great post! I guess we’ve all been there at some point – dealing with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. But the wisdom, self-confidence and self-love only come with age. 🙂
It’s so easy to find ourselves looking for self-worth or validation in the wrong sources. Our faults shine brighter in our eyes than our good. Or we set a list of expectations we must meet to be worthy. The only place we will ever find that worthiness…that self-love…that validation is from the one who created us. I love that you found that confidence. You’re right, people are attracted to happy people.
I love this post and how when you changed your thinking and feelings about yourself, the Universe responded in kind. Love it! Thank you for sharing this insight with us! Cher xo
I used to feel very similar to you, like I have to do things for others, or have some form of achievement, in order to be loved by others. I was rejected so many times that it made me so desperate for love and approval. I kept my real self hidden in order to try to fit in and because deep down I was so unhappy and anxious, I kept attracting friendships or relationships that were reflecting to me the pain and unacceptance that I needed to see and acknowledge within myself. I wish I knew better when I was in my 20s, but I’m so grateful that I started healing and embracing myself, flaws and all. Thank you so much for sharing!! <3
xoxo
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Isn’t it odd how frequently we crave that validation, but don’t make the connection between properly loving ourselves and its impact on how others treat us? I can relate to your own testimony and have had to come to some of the same revelations in my life to reach wholeness.
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Have been having a hard couple of days so really appreciated this post. I too had a similar journey and finally in my late 30s found the validation I needed within myself as well.