Last Friday, I, along with many other staff members of the veterinary school, went out to our farm in Ewing, Virginia to monitor and “proctor” an OSCE (Objective Structured Clinical Examination).
This exam is different than the students’ written exams in that it’s designed to test clinical skill performance and competence in skills. It requires hands-on problem solving and exposure to situations that they may face once they are practicing clinicians.
Before we set off to our assigned rotations, we gathered together in a lecture hall as the leading professor went over specific details. One thing she said to both the faculty and staff was, “If you notice a student who is experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic, you can pull them from the exam and then we will have them try to go through it again at the end. I’ve noticed that if a student is experiencing that level of stress, it tends to go downhill for the rest of the exam.”
A professor spoke out and said, “Clinicians should be ready for anything. In the real world, they don’t GET another chance if they’re feeling anxious.”
The leading professor calmly replied, “We’re not working with clinicians here. We’re working with baby vets.”
I nearly got up and squeezed the leading professor. (Don’t worry. I held back my emotions for the sake of looking professional in my new job).
I’ve heard this time and time again. Not with vet students. But with my own babies. In my classroom.
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I’ve worked with students who have had such difficulty regulating their emotions. The smallest trigger would set them off and lead them to melt down in an extraordinary way. Many co-workers – and even onlookers – would approach me with advice and suggestions on how to deal with the behavior. These opinionated people spoke out against me and felt frustrated that I was “babying” these students. That I was enabling their behavior by creating individual plans for them. By TEACHING them coping mechanisms to deal with setbacks.
They felt I wasn’t doing the child any favors.
They felt that the child should be given “tough love” because, once they left the security and safety of our school, they’d be faced with reality and would need to learn how to independently cope with problems.
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But each and every time I was approached with the concept of “tough love,” I responded in the same manner. “Yes. The real world is out there. And, yes, he needs to be ready for it. But he is a CHILD. This is the time in his life where he is still learning how to deal with setbacks and failures and criticism. He shouldn’t HAVE to navigate this independently right now. We’re teaching him now in hopes that he will be able to independently pull from these strategies many years from now when he needs it.”
If we weren’t given the opportunity to practice our skills and practice our strategies and practice procedures, we’d never master them. These children – just like the vet students – are still developing. We can’t expect them to navigate “the real world” without practicing, receiving feedback, and trying it over again. And again. And again.
You are not enabling your child by teaching them coping mechanisms. In fact, you’re doing the exact opposite. You are handing your child the tools they will need to be successful and get through challenging experiences on their own.
Questions of the Day:
- How do you find a balance between “tough love” and “enabling?”
My 4 year old has anxiety. It was really bad for awhile. I just kept encouraging and being there for him even when I wanted to pull my hair out, I didn’t let it show! Sometimes it was tough. He has made tremendous progress over the past few months and now wants to do things that are causing anxiety for me! haha
Love, encouragement, being there for your child, is what has worked for me. Thanks for sharing this!
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I actually agree with you. Awhile back I worked as elementary school teacher and had several students facing genuine anxiety when they were under verbal exam pressure. Once I asked the student to come and he started shaking. I skipped the exam part and asked him if he would like a few tricks to handle it? He nodded, and the entire class wanted to know. We spent an entire class learning some coping mechanisms. It helped them I am sure. And as for ‘tough love’, I believe they will all get enough negativity at some point in their life. I will rather teach them how to deal with it then provide it myself.
This sounds like a really interesting exam! I’ve dealt with anxiety my entire life and it can be destructive when it’s not kept in check and I love that there is a conversation about this topic happening in all classrooms.
I think this is a great point. I personally don’t think tough love works well with younger kids, you have to teach them first. I don’t have a lot of experience with younger kids with anxiety, but with my adult friends who have anxiety, tough love doesn’t make things better for them, it makes things worse.
I couldn’t agree more!
I, myself have anxiety and I am so worried that I have put that on my daughter, and I see small signs of her own anxiety manifesting.
If she ends up with anxiety too, I would definitely be teaching her coping mechanisms, because that’s the only way I get through the day, either!
Lovely post. <3
Thank you for this. My son has a small amount of anxiety and because I also have anxiety I want to approach it with him with love and not just a “deal with it, this is life” type of approach. He’ll learn his own coping mechanisms as he grows. Patience and love is the way to handle it.
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Such good insight! We have to set them up with the tools to cope. We aren’t the “outside cruel world” so we have to use our opportunities to teach. I don’t see anything wrong with that.
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Glad you tacked this subject because the numbers for anxiety in children appear to be increasing. It really shouldn’t be happening because they are so young and don’t have a lot of responsibilities. I know social media and staying attached to smartphones, tablets and laptops isn’t helping either.
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1 in 5 children are affected by mental illlneness – that’s anxiety, OCD, Depression, bipolar, etc…and it doesn’t discriminate between genders, age, or socioeconomic status.
It is can be because of chemicals, genes, traumatic experiences —
It has nothing to do with what you’re talking about.
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I think it’s really hard to find that balance. I believe, from experience, that it’s important to push through our fears and anxieties, but we also need to be supported as we take time to learn coping strategies.
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We are dealing with anxiety in one of my twins right now, so this was really helpful to read. Tough love is too hard for me because I know what anxiety feels like, and I know it wouldn’t help me.
I definitely think that everyone is going to learn in a different way and giving students the skills to work around their own disadvantages is helpful. The one size fits all mentality just isn’t realistic.
Very interesting read. Anxiety has always been a part of my life and I often wonder if it had been detected sooner and/or managed in other ways, if it could have made a difference.
Looking back Im fairly certain my anxiety started in 2nd grade. I can pinpoint it. I wish I had known
I didn’t really deal with this with my kids much when they were younger. I’ve always been the kind of parent that encourage my children to face their fears and for us to work through them to figure out if the fear or anxiety was real or imagined.
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I’d love to hear more about these coping mechanisms for children with anxiety!
My 5 year old has autism and anxiety is a big part of that. With him preparing to start school next year I would love to know how I could be helping him more – apart from the early intervention he is already receiving.
My husband is more from the ‘tough love’ kind of perspective and he deems me to be the ‘enabler’. I’d just like some tools we both could use to help our son!
I could not agree more! It’s awful that you see teachers who still don’t get it, even at the graduate level of teaching.
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Thank you for this article. I so often get weird looks when I try to help my son through his anxiety or when he’s in sensory overload. My kid is able to function as well as he does in the neurotypical world BECAUSE we do these things.
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Yes! I completely agree with this. The whole point of the learning environment is to practice, practice, practice, and learn the coping skills you need so that you do feel confident when it comes to “the real world” scenario.
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Your response is perfect! As a teacher, we are giving them what they need to be successful LATER. This is the time for them to fail- while we are there to help them get back up. Kudos to you.
I am going to pick this up for my daughters friend. Her mom could use it
I truly believe tough love doesn’t work for every child. I have been dealing with this for quite some time with my daughter. It’s hard to find balance. Thanks for sharing this.
I’m not quite here yet with my daughter, but I am definitely saving this article. Such important stuff!
My oldest has always been an anxious kid. After I got sick it got even worse. Now a diagnosis of Tourette Syndrom things are making sense now. Now that he can control his tics, his anxiety is way low and dare I say he has been quite confident lately. I’m so blessed he has had teachers who have been patient with him. I think tough love is ok at times. But I don’t see how it works in a classrooms. When they are supposed to be learning how could it help, right?! Glad you talked about this today!
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Well written. Kids definitely need to be taught to handle stress and anxiety. It is a process and does not happen overnight
Very well written…. Kudos to you my dear for finding and sharing such important challenging articles. They are so helpful to so many of your readers.
Besides reading your blog I love to read all the responses every day. Makes me feel good that you
bring so much knowledge and happiness into peoples lives with your teaching experience.
God Bless!!!
cc. DEPT OF EDUCATION IN WASHINGTON, DC.
Providing children with the tools to deal with anxiety and other problems is the best decision adults can make. Throughout life, they will learn from their experiences, mature and develop. They will certainly learn to overcome obstacles that come up using the right tools that we put into their hands. Great post!
I completely agree. The level of responsibility should correspond directly with a child’s age. A 1st or 2nd grader being nervous to perform is much different than a junior or senior in high school. They should be taught how to handle these moments with love at such early ages.
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i think it really depends on each kid on how you handle it. sharing this with a few friends that are going though issues with their children.
As someone who deals with anxiety, I can say first hand that tough love is not the answer. Telling someone to stop feeling anxious only makes things worse. Instead, it’s so important to teach them (no matter what age) that anxiety is just a feeling and it’s no threat. The hardest part about coping with anxiety is not fearing it.
A to the men. People seem to forget that kids are kids. We can’t expect them to act like adults. We do need to teach them skills which will help them adult when they are older.
Love this! And do think we have to allow kids to be kids. But I do hate to think that kids worry this much!
Yes, yes, yes! I love the point that even though our children are going to be in the “real” world someday soon and under the obligation to maintain their coping skills on their own, they’re not there yet – and they need to be nurtured in order to ever get there.
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