Right after college, I got lured into becoming a Herbalife distributor. I was desperately looking for jobs, but didn’t have my teaching credential yet. So, I was constantly browsing through Craigslist and our UCLA career website for job opportunities.
I typed in specific keywords like “teaching” and “education” – thinking that I would find a TA position or something that would allow me to work with kids in some capacity. I stumbled upon an advertisement for a “teaching opportunity” that was being run by a recent UCLA alum. At first, I was super excited to be working with a fellow Bruin! But then became a little skeptical because there wasn’t a specific job description on the post. The girl hopped on the phone with me and clarified that it was a coaching position and I’d be helping others meet their nutritional goals. She said,
“I had wanted to be a classroom teacher too. But this lets me have my own schedule and I’m teaching others about how to live healthier lives. It’s a win-win!”
I was all the more skeptical because I couldn’t even meet my OWN nutritional goals; how was I expected to coach others on anything nutrition or health related?
But she assured me that I’d learn – alongside my future clients – and that it made me into an even stronger candidate for coaching because I was “relatable” and could connect with people’s struggles.
Jumping on the Herbalife Train
When I graduated from college, the job market was terrible and I felt like I had to jump into something. And, by jumping into this distributing thing with her, I would not only gain a little income but I’d be working on my own nutrition plan along the way.
While the business side of things didn’t pan out (I am terrible at sales – especially when I am not qualified at all to give people advice on nutrition and health), I really believed that the product itself was wonderful. Replacing two of my meals with Herbalife shakes helped kickstart my weight loss. It helped me lose about 40 pounds. And the supplements I took WITH my meals (TOTAL CONTROL was a favorite) gave me lasting energy and made me feel great.
Six months after starting Herbalife, I got a part-time job at an after-school program. No sales required. And I got to hang out with kids! I was much more excited about THIS job, but continued to be obsessed with all things Herbalife. Both the shake and the supplements.
Since I didn’t start work until 12PM, I had ample time to work out at the gym in the morning. And then I’d leave work around 5PM and go for a run along the beach before happy-houring with friends in the evening.
Reinforcing Restriction
I was in my early 20s. Living in Santa Monica. And I was finally skinnier than I had ever been before. I was being noticed by guys, being complimented by girls, fitting into a medium T-shirt and a Size 8 pants! I was running. And stair-mastering. And I had so much confidence at the gym.
Every time I went back home to visit family, people would compliment me on how GREAT I looked. And how GREAT it was that I was finally taking control of my health. And how BEAUTIFUL my face had become since I no longer sported a double chin. How WONDERFUL it was that you could see my dimple that was once buried under a ton of fat.
I quickly became obsessed with this new feeling and wanted to control e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g to ensure that I didn’t fall back into my Size 16s. I wanted to continue hearing the compliments. The praise. The approval.
Obsession with Counting Calories
When I got tired of drinking shakes, I would only allow myself to have certain foods. Foods that matched the number of calories as a Herbalife shake. Subway sandwiches were a staple. I would get a footlong each day and have half for lunch and half for dinner. When my weight loss stalled, I would divide my footlong into three pieces. Fewer calories consumed at each meal time would definitely help me lose a few more pounds.
Any time a friend suggested we eat dinner at a place that wasn’t Subway (or somewhere I couldn’t access nutritional information), I would freak the eff out. Our freezer was filled with Lean Cuisines and Smart Ones because I liked buying things that had a nutrition label. As if somehow it was a healthier option to eat a frozen meal because I could quantify just how much fat and just how many calories were being consumed.
I used to go home on the weekends because it was only an hour away. And my mom always wanted to send food back with me on Sunday nights. But I turned down her healthy, homemade meals because I preferred to eat my frozen chicken and vegetables that I bought at Ralphs. Because each package only had 200 calories in it. And who knows how many calories were in my mom’s meals when they came in Tupperware?! How was I expected to figure out a portion that was appropriate for me?
It wouldn’t work.
So I kept at it with the frozen meals. Nutrition labels were my friend.
The Weight Found Me Again
The only picture I would EVER put on the Internet was one where I had perfectly sucked the gut in and hid all the belly flab.
Eventually, I got into my Masters program and the weight – slowly but surely – crept back on. It was difficult to maintain so much control over my eating and exercise when I was working full-time and also going to school. By the end of my first year teaching, I had gained all the weight I had lost. And more.
It was like the girl who had been restricted for so long had finally been unleashed. And she went wild.
Stress triggered eating. And my eating triggered more eating because I felt bad about eating.
Now I’m not going to say that my obsessive compulsive eating habits came from that day I decided to jump on the Herbalife train. I think there were many factors involved. I’ve always been a little chubby kid who had issues with food.
But I was made to believe that when I was skinnier, it was better.
When I was skinnier, I was “healthier.” Never mind the fact that I glossed over the healthy, organic foods I was being offered in favor of a frozen microwaveable meal. Or the fact that, some days, my dinner consisted of an entire head of lettuce dipped in soy sauce.
Somehow, because of the way I looked on the outside, it was better.
People celebrated me when I was smaller. Back when I was eating processed junk, supplementing my body with who-knows-what.
But, here I am today, eating vegetables all the time, preparing homemade, organic foods. And guess what? My body is bigger than it was five years ago.
This is why our society has a problem. It tells you that it doesn’t matter what you put in to your body or how you fuel it – as long as you look a certain way.
It preys on the vulnerable and screws with your mindset until you’re left completely confused about how to properly feed yourself or even ACT around food. We prioritize WEIGHT LOSS and not HEALTH.
Health at Every Size
All these programs out there – be it Herbalife or Weight Watchers or Shakeology or Jenny Craig – target the most vulnerable of people. The people that feel helpless and LARGE and think that all they need is accountability or a quick ‘jumping off’ point to build momentum.
I don’t regret answering that girl’s phone call that day. And I don’t regret my participation in all of these programs over the past however many years.
Because my experiences have brought me to this very point. Where I realize that the diet culture is so screwed up.
Restricting. Doesn’t. Work. You can experience health at every size.
I’m going to leave this post with an excerpt from this article by Beanie Feldstein. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how much this resonates.
Beanie Feldstein:
Now, please don’t get me wrong:
Wonderful post!! I’m in a weight loss program through my local hospital, but I like that better than other alternatives because they watch me, and I get to talk to a dietician and get ideas for food, etc. I don’t always do the program the way I’m supposed to – and I need to get more active – but all in all, I think it’s helping me realize which foods are better for you (bananas and grapes aren’t the best fruits because of all their sugar, etc.) so that’s nice. It makes me more determined to be healthier. I want to lose more weight, yes, but I also just want to be healthier overall and that’s the main thing. You don’t have to be a typical skinny to be healthy.
-Lauren
ShootingStarsMag recently posted…Heat Trap by J.L. Merrow
Yes, yes, yes! I cannot agree with you more. Health has nothing to do with the size or shape of a body, but how you feel in that body. It bothers me how much people judge if you don’t fit into the box the western world has grown accustomed to being the “right” size for all.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I admit; I’m guilty on complimenting friends I know who have struggled for years, and truthfully it was because I wanted them to know how proud I was of them and their weight loss. But you’re 100% right—as a society, we have to prioritize health > the ideal body shape (the hell is that, anyway?!) because we all have different bodies and that is truly what makes us beautiful.
I always love what I see when I come here, Divya, and so proud to call you my friend <3
Charlotte recently posted…Lessons from the Bachelor
YES girl. Preach it. I lost a bunch of weight a few years ago but it wasn’t healthy and I feel much more healthy where I am now even if I’m larger, I am healthier. I think you are absolutely right that you can have health at any size. Great post.
Beth recently posted…Currently in March
So true! There is so much more to our health than what we look like on the outside!
Katie recently posted…Intention: Everything Changes
Weight loss, especially counting calories can be so addictive. You can become obsessive over it. I loved reading this article to know that other people have gone through that too. Now that I eat what I want and exercise regularly, I feel healthier than ever.
Samantha recently posted…The One Thing No One Tells You About Breastfeeding
Holy crap. THIS.
It’s absolutely tragic that we live in a society that’s decided that certain physical traits are desirable enough to define a woman’s entire worth. If we weren’t all waiting to be perfect to accomplish the things that we’re meant to do in our lives, how much sooner could we achieve amazing things? I think about that a lot, and decide to not be so hard on myself about my own weight… and then everything around me reaffirms my self-doubt, and I get distracted from what really matters again. Health and beauty should be two separate constructs, and it should be 100% up to each of us to decide: When do I feel beautiful, and when do I feel healthy? Just like we compliment women for being thin, there are people out there who actually believe they’re helping people by telling them that they’re overweight, or shaming them for being the size that they are–as though it’s entirely within their control. And it’s that illusion of control that’s responsible for the entire diet industry that sucks people in and keeps them struggling all their lives, believing it’s their fault.
I met a girl once who survived solely off of nutrition bars and frozen diet meals. She said she would never eat an apple, for example, because it doesn’t have a nutrition label on the side–“who knows what’s in there?” Then I watched her smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. (To be fair, we know exactly what’s in those–it’s just not good!)
All of this makes me so mad for that girl who can’t eat a damn apple because she doesn’t know how many calories are in it; for you, surviving off of lettuce and soy sauce; for my sister, who will struggle with anorexia all her life; and for my teenage self, who had no idea how beautiful she was because she was a voluptuous girl surrounded by ballerinas. We deserve to live in a society that values us for more than the size of our jeans; and that empowers us to value ourselves for more than that, too.
<3
Robin recently posted…10 Ways for Perfectionistic Women to Stop Seeking Approval & Embrace Their Individuality
I love when you pop in here (and I love each time a new post is published on your blog) because you are so insightful and thoughtful and help me dive deeper into my own ramblings. I appreciate you so much and I’m so glad we met in this online space!
Divya, girl, YES! I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. The worst part is, even when I was tiny I thought I was fat. My doctors are always telling me that I need to lose weight and be more active. The only thing is that I am pretty active, my weight just wont budge. I spent all summer in the gym, to lose only 10 lbs and turns out I ended up giving myself a heart attack! Now that I am cleared to work out again, I have no intentions on being skinny. I just want to be healthy! I love this post. I have a super addictive personality. And I know if I start to worry about counting calories, it will consume me. So I will enjoy food and stay active. Balance is key right! XOXO
Kim Munoz recently posted…Live Healthier. Live Frelii.
Oh my gosh, yes to all of this!!! I love that last excerpt, as well as your last note to leave everyone with: you’re eating home cooked meals now, but if you don’t as skinny as you did when you were eating frozen meals and not eating enough, the general public doesn’t see you as being as healthy as you were before. It’s crazy how blind we are to what’s healthy and what’s not, all we care about is a size. And I also agree that losing weight/trimming down doesn’t give people the right to comment on someone’s body and it can actually do more harm than good sometimes. If people comment on me I stop eating and start feeling pressure to lose even more weight, even if the weight I lost was due to eating healthier/working out more–just for the sake of nourishing my body and moving it, not in an attempt to lose weight. So something that was just natural for me, becomes an issue. That’s just the way I’m wired and I’ve worked on it a lot over the years, but there’s still part of me that goes through periods where I want to restrict what I eat, and there are things that can trigger those periods.
Crystal // Dreams, etc. recently posted…How to Survive Winter
Great article. Appreciate your honesty and being upfront on weight struggles that so many of us have.
nice website.
I really needed to read this! I love the perspective of healthy vs skinny. You’re so wise and I love how you are authentic and vulnerable and share your struggles, btu also your triumphs!
Christina @ Hugs and Lattes recently posted…Podcasts for the Single, Dating, or Married
I really appreciate your struggle, that you did in your life of healthy vs skinny. I loved reading this article to know that other people have gone through that too.