It’s no secret that I have relationship issues with food. I obsess over food. I think about food in carbs and calories and pounds that will pile on to my body. But, most recently, I have noticed that my relationship with food is mindless and numbing. I eat impulsively – without thinking about whether I’m hungry or if it’s even enjoyable. I eat distractedly – shoving food into my mouth, but too engaged in my iPhone or a TV show to even care.
And, like most people who struggle with relationships (be it food or personal or something else), there’s a reason for our repetitive behaviors. Something that may have happened in our past. Some traumatic experience we went through. Some coping mechanism that we turned to when things got difficult. There’s a reason behind every single one of our behaviors.
For me, I’ve realized that a lot of it boils down to my childhood – growing up as a “big girl” when the world around me was oh-so-small. With an active and fit physician father and a mama who was worried about our terrible genes and our family’s history of high cholesterol and diabetes, I knew that they would do anything and everything to make sure that I didn’t fall prey to any health issues.
That meant signing me up for personal training. Or paying a nutritionist to hold my hand and hold me accountable. Buying me nicer workout clothes so I would feel confident when at the gym. Reminding me of my family’s medical history. Sending me to a weight loss summer camp so I could be around other kids struggling with the same issues. Being there to hug me when I broke down in tears when my clothes didn’t fit right.
They did everything they could. With everything they had.
But, when you’re a child and you want to do things to please your parents, you do the not-so-pleasing things in private. Because if they can’t see it, they won’t be disappointed.
So I learned how to eat when they weren’t watching.
I’d take $20 out of my mom’s purse while she was in the shower so I could buy snacks at school. When she left the house to go run an errand, I raided the pantries and shoved every single “bad food” in my mouth. Not even pausing to enjoy the taste. But just to get the food INSIDE of me. Because it was forbidden. And I had to do it quickly.
I learned how to hide my candy wrappers and empty chip bags at the bottom of my backpack or squeezed in between the pages of a textbook. (And then, obviously, tossing them out in the girl’s bathroom at school the next day). Sometimes, if I was quietly eating something upstairs, I’d walk out onto our balcony and toss the empty packages into my neighbor’s yard. It would be too risky to walk down the stairs to toss the trash in our garbage can outside. For starters, my mom could intercept me at the bottom of the stairs before I reached the garage door. But, also, the crinkle of the bag could out me and it was far too dangerous. So throwing it over the wall – into the neighbor’s yard – was a tactic I used on occasion.
Now, as an adult, I don’t shy away from indulging in sweet treats or forbidden foods. I even throw away my wrappers in the trash can without covering them up with paper towels or other big items. (#Adulting)
But the thing about relationship issues is that they don’t disappear altogether. Especially when it’s a really bad, unhealthy relationship. An on-again, off-again relationship where, over time, you start doubting your ability to be “normal.” You question your sanity and your self-control.
We carry all of our past experiences with us. But, when a relationship is really toxic (like mine is/was with food), there will be days when old patterns and behaviors emerge. Sure, we may get better at managing and coping with things. But they still show up from time to time. And, if we’re not in tune with our bodies in that moment, there is the potential to fall back into our self-destructive habits.
A few weeks ago, while we were in SoCal for the holidays, I experienced a brief moment when my past popped into my present.
My dad had left for work and my mom announced that she was going to her room to get ready for the day. She started heading upstairs and I could hear her footsteps as she made it to her bedroom. I could hear her walking around her room. I knew the creaks. And I knew all the sounds. I knew exactly where she was. I could hear the sound of her closing her dresser drawer and then walking over to her closet.
So, while Ankur and I were sitting on the couch (and I was listening to all this movement upstairs), I ran over to the kitchen, opened up one of the cabinets, and pulled out the Tupperware of brownies.
I quickly popped open the lid, shoved a brownie in my mouth, slammed the lid back on, and then placed it back in the cabinet. It happened so quickly. I inhaled the brownie. I can’t even remember if I chewed it.
No thought. No hunger. Not a single craving for a brownie.
Just a mindless moment. A get-this-food-inside-of-me-before-she-comes-back-downstairs moment.
After it was done and I confirmed that my mom was still upstairs getting ready (because my ears were perked up during the entire minute and a half of the brownie binge), I had a coming-to-life moment.
What the hell was I doing?
I was so confused by my behavior. I felt like I was a 10-year old again. Creeping around my home. Being hyper-alert to all the creaks and the movement so I knew where all the people were before I inhaled the forbidden food.
In that moment, I realized just how MUCH my childhood experiences were still with me. They never left. I have gotten better at dealing with them. But, they never truly disappeared. I was clearly triggered by being in the same space around the same people and those behaviors resurfaced. Trying to do things quickly, quietly, and without any evidence. To make sure I didn’t disappoint people that only wanted the best for me.
It’s so screwed up. After 20 years, I was still tip-toeing around my home. Afraid of being caught.
I wanted to point fingers. I wanted to blame somebody else.
What I really wanted was to be the victim.
I wanted my crazy, erratic, emotional-eating behaviors to be someone else’s fault.
Maybe that mean kid in elementary school who told me I was too fat.
Or that cousin in India who told me that there wasn’t enough fabric to make pants my size.
Or a family member for side-eyeing my food to make sure it was perfectly portioned.
But it’s not.
It’s not their fault. And it’s not mine either.
The truth is that it’s no one person or one experience that made me the way I am.
Every single person in the world has things they struggle with. We all have wounds that need to be healed.
And I may not be responsible for my wound. But I AM responsible for my healing.
Nobody can work through these issues FOR me.
I can sit back and play the victim and blame life for screwing me over and giving me the short end of the stick.
Or I can get up each day and do the work.
And remind myself that wounds are healed only when we treat them with love and compassion.
Question of the Day:
- Are you currently going through a healing process of your own?
- Do you see some of your old habits and behaviors resurface after several years?
It’s sometimes shocking how much our past experiences impact our behavior long after the behavior doesn’t even make sense anymore. I have six siblings, and running out of food at the dinner table seemed to happen frequently when most of us were in our teens and had big appetites (a normal pot can only cook so much food at once, so when the pot’s empty, it’s empty!)–other people have noticed as an adult that I eat REALLY fast at mealtimes, faster than anyone else at the table, and I think it stems from that old desire to make sure I got enough to eat before we ran out of food…even though there’s not really any risk of that now!
Rachel G recently posted…Baby Update: 32 Weeks
That’s really interesting! I’m reading this book called Intuitive Eating and one of the clients that the authors worked with also went through something similar. The client had grown up with a lot of siblings and felt worried that there wasn’t enough food so would eat quickly and eat whatever they could get their hands on for fear that there wouldn’t be enough later on. Those habits bled into their adult life and she put on a lot of weight as a result. So crazy how childhood behaviors follow us wherever we go.
So interesting how our past does catch up with it unless we deal with it. So good with what you realisation you have come to. We do have to look at our motivations – what makes us do the things we do. We might all be surprised. Keep on! Keeping on!
Like Rachel was saying – I know people in my family eat fast because they grew up thinking they had to in order to get enough food. My dad did it because of how he grew up, and my sister did it because my DAD would otherwise eat all the food if she didn’t eat quick enough to get more. It’s something they both still tend to do.
As for me, I can’t really pinpoint anything like this but I always had problems with being overweight. I think the last time I was actually naturally skinny was when I was like..5 years old. Even as a kid, when I’d play soccer or run around the neighborhood, I was still big, so it seemed like a process of up and down. I’m doing better these days – learning about the foods I should be eating – but it’s still a process for sure. I still have low self-esteem a lot of the time and that can suck. I still feel like I should be more active, but working out and sports and all that has never been interesting or enjoyable to me so it’s hard to find something I can keep up with.
It sounds like you’re really coming to terms with things though, and that will only help!
ShootingStarsMag recently posted…Healthy Habits in 2018
Girl!! I feel this! So much. For me its not food but longing for a relationship with my mom. Like a real mother daughter relationship. I was just telling my husband how frustrating it is to be 35 years old and still feeling sad that my mom treats me the way she does. And then on top of that, wanting to only do more for her in hopes she will return the favor with a little bit of real honest motherly love. Its not that she doesn’t love me or tell me she loves me, as a child, she didn’t show me that she did so as an adult, I struggle to feel like she does. Whew! Well then, I guess that has been weighing on me and I didn’t even realize it! LOL Im gonna work on it this year.
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I love how you said you aren’t responsible for your wound but that you’re responsible for your healing. That is so true, you didn’t do the harm to yourself but you definitely can take charge of doing the work to help your healing. I’m glad you had that moment and I hope you are able to work through it. Much love to you!
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Such a powerful post friend! You have grown so much since I first started following you, and I love that you share your heart with us. I have a feeling this year is going to rock for you.
Danielle @ A Sprinkle of Joy recently posted…January Goals {2018}
I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to share, I know these are issues I have struggled with as well and it is so hard to let go of those old habits and behaviors.
Emily @ Pizza & Pull-ups recently posted…Weekend Recap – Happy Birthday to Me
It’s so true how our relationships with things can repeat when we’re not expecting it. I have realized that I show my love through giving material gifts, and I can get out of control. I’ve been trying to be more conscious of it, and trying to show my kids love in other ways. I know that my behavior comes from the way I grew up, and I don’t want to pass it on in the same way. It’s so hard though! But, you’re right….we need to heal with compassion and love. Thank you for this great post and reminder.
I think my mom’s love language is gifts. Not receiving. But in giving. I think that’s how she also expresses her love. In buying people things they need or want. I find myself doing similar things as an adult.
I have found a few things bearing me up lately. I am so insecure but I try to look confident while I’m at work or out with friends. Lately when I get home it breaks me down. I am trying to figure out how to deal with it. It’s draining! Honey, your gorgeous! You just keep on the track you want to be on.
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Oh wow, can I ever relate to this! I grew up in a house where healthy food was all around me, and all it ever made me want to do was spend my lunch money on a giant chocolate chip cookie instead of a “balanced meal.” I thought about calories, not nutrients, and so somewhere in my teenaged brain, I thought I had tricked my body into letting me eat what I wanted and not gain weight. It took living on my own for me to learn how to eat—it wasn’t about tricking my body or my parents, it was abort what made me feel good. Same with sleep—why stay up all night, tricking my parents into thinking I was asleep, when I probably wouldn’t have felt as miserable every day if I’d been getting 8 hours of sleep every night? I’m so sorry you had to grow up with such a disordered relationship with something that’s necessary for your survival—what a tough dichotomy to deal with. Good for you for consciously working on it as an adult—it’s the only way. 💕
Oh, man… I just…
I love you–and THIS–so much. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and for showing us how you’re going to handle this with compassion and kindness for yourself. Because this is SO INCREDIBLY TRUE:
“And I may not be responsible for my wound. But I AM responsible for my healing.”
Yes. And I am here if you need a hand to hold or an ear or a shoulder or a sounding board or really whatever. I think there are things we do because they are automatically ingrained in our psyche that we don’t even REALIZE so that must have been a crazy lightbulb moment to realize you were still sneaking around as an adult like you did as a child. The why sometimes doesn’t matter as much. But I’m so proud of you, Divya <3 Sending all my love and some extra light your way.
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What a heart felt post. My daughter struggles with things like this and I always strive to learn more about her side. This was very helpful. You are one strong, smart woman!
You sound like a pretty wonderful mama – wanting to know her perspective so you can best support her!
Oh my gosh, yes, it’s crazy how being home can trigger old behaviors – even ones you thought you had left behind or even forgotten about.
Thanks for sharing so openly. <3
Alyse recently posted…Limits are so last year
I know where you’re coming from. I feel like I’ve always had a bad relationship with food too. I feel guilty 90% if the time I’m eating. I think too much about food and I know that I use food as a crutch. I use food to celebrate. I use food when I’m unhappy. Ugh! If only I could just get food off the brain! Like you, I think I need to take a deep look at WHY I feel this way about food so I can feel more in control.
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I’m reading this book called Intuitive Eating and it talks about how the more we deprive ourselves, the higher our guilt is. It’s like a seesaw. And both “kids” on the see-saw are Deprivation and Guilt. The higher the deprivation (not eating the “bad” foods), the lower the guilt. Because we’re being “good.” But then when you LOWER the deprivation (allow yourself access to the “bad” foods), your guilt is the one soaring in the air. The authors (both nutritionists) explain that the best way to deal with this battle between deprivation and guilt is to get rid of deprivation altogether. The minute we remove deprivation from the equation, guilt is removed as well.
It’s so strange because I experience a lot of these same things when I’m home – old behaviors triggered by just being home – like I’m a kid again – and it’s always some weird mindless action whether with food, or irritations, or even emotions. Thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable and open!
I love the last five sentences of this post! We are each responsible for what we are dealing with – regardless of why it happened. I have had to do a lot of healing in many areas of my life and it truly only happened when I let go of blaming others. Habits also become so ingrained that we find it hard to even recognize they exist because we do them just as you did when you were at home visiting. Food can be your friend – it is just about changing your view.
Sheryl recently posted…This Rule Will Help You Obtain Your 2018 Goals
Wow Divya, this is so beautifully written.
I don’t think we all realise how much of what happens to us when we are younger is carried into adulthood.
The sentence “And I may not be responsible for my wound. But I AM responsible for my healing.” just speaks volumes. We don’t ask for what happens to us but we can choose to be active in dealing with it.
Growing up we had a rule that we didn’t leave the table until we were finished our meals. And even though I’m 34 I still have this routine stuck in my head. I’ll finish whatever I’m eating even if I’m not hungry. Sometimes I’ll be uncomfortably full but the mindset to clear my plate is still there.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh my, I can relate to this so much! I too ate all the forbidden food when my parents weren’t around. Even things that didn’t taste good, like butter. I even snuck food when I was a teenager and into early adulthood when at my parents house. I didn’t want to deal with the questions of why I was eating and why the food I chose. I didn’t have answers. It was an emotional eating thing that I didn’t understand back then. I still struggle with emotional eating every day but at least I recognize it now and can work on the why.
Lisa Keifer recently posted…My guest posts round-up
YES. I just chose the highest calorie, most forbidden foods. Things I don’t even enjoy! It’s so crazy how warped my relationship is/was with food. It had nothing to do with the food itself.
Excellent analysis and reminder that we are truly responsible for our own behaviors, even if they are triggered by other people or circumstances. We still make those choices to do or NOT do certain things. We are the only ones to blame when we make the wrong choices. It reminds me of a saying about choosing to play the victim or be the victor – the choice is ours!
Dr. K. Lee Banks recently posted…Pairing Change and Growth with Thoughts and Actions
Isn’t that funny how your parents tried to do “the best” for you and it turned out to be the oppsite in a way. Instead of letting you be ok with food and guiding you to make healthy choices, but also allowing to give in to a cravying, they made you feel like you had to eat in private. I know they had the best intentions, but sometimes those backfire and now you have to deal with this “issue” of mindless (and hidden) eating.
It just underlines how very difficult it is sometimes to be a parent.
On the other hand, I really applaud you for taking this head on and trying to change and heal this behavior. We definitely all have to face our past (and demons) to move forward.
Oh boy. I can relate to this SO MUCH. Only my Mom never talked to me about healthy eating or exercise or that I was on the path to obesity. Instead she would shame me by saying things like, “You kind of look like you’re getting a double chin,” but then feed me fish sticks for dinner. I didn’t know what was healthy and what wasn’t when I was younger but I did know that I felt guilty for eating.
I love this post so much Divya. Thank you for sharing this very personal part of you. Please continue to treat yourself with love and compassion.
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That breaks my heart. And also makes me so terrified to have a daughter of my own some day. Just knowing that every single word and every single action could potentially trigger a life-long struggle with body image and self love.
You’re actually reminding me, I used to do this too as a kid – hid my snacks and eat it. Not that my parents were hardcore as yours were but I was taught chips and things are unhealthy. Sometimes I find myself snacking when I’m alone.
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