When I moved to rural Tennessee back in June, I left behind my entire social network. My friends who knew my insides and out. The friends I turned to when I was feeling stressed and needed a Goddess card to get me through my day.
It was an emotional month of goodbyes as I drove away from all the people who knew me best.
Making friends as an adult is somehow exponentially harder.
You know who you are. And you know who you want to surround yourself with. So, when someone doesn’t fit the mold, we tend to move on. Gone are those college days when you could bond with anyone over a keg of beer and the late night curly fries.
So, when we moved here, I knew I’d have to put in a little effort. I knew I needed friends to get me through the next four years. And I knew I needed company to help me survive in a rural town – something I had never done before.
I attended orientation with Ankur – in an attempt to find someone I could connect with. And, when the Student Advocate Association planned a brunch, I was one of the first ones there – eager to meet my (hopefully) soon-to-be friends.
Somewhere along the line, I stumbled upon these three ladies.
Kasey, Katy, Me, and Nicole
When we first bonded – over mosquito repellent, margaritas, and cheesy tots – I was elated. I made friends who enjoyed tequila as much as I did. And they were equally anxious about our rural town experience. Initially, we bonded over that. Time and time again. We’d come together and vent and gripe and say, “Gahhhhhhh. I can’t believe we live here.”
But, over time, I got to know them more intimately.
We, surprisingly, weren’t as alike as I had initially thought.
Nicole and I are both from California. We are both Special Education teachers and both grew up playing tennis. We have a few similarities, but when it comes to the “bigger things,” we are very different.
Nicole grew up a Catholic. I grew up in a Hindu household but am much more spiritual than I am “religious.”
Nicole got married at the age of 22. I was 29 when Ankur and I married and enjoyed every bit of my 20s as a free bird. I was always confused by those who wanted to settle down so quickly.
When social issues get brought up, Nicole and I disagree on many things.
Yet, somehow, this friendship persists.
Last week, Nicole and I made a spontaneous trip to Morristown. On the drive over, we had one of the best, most memorable conversations. We talked about a variety of things and then I turned to her and said, “I’m so grateful that circumstances brought us together.”
We both openly talked about how if we had remained in our old towns living our regular, pre-medical-school lives, and we somehow happened to stumble upon each other, neither of us would CHOOSE to pursue a friendship with the other.
Many of our differences would have had us both running in the opposite direction.
I used to hear the word “religious” and cringe. Anyone who invited me to a Bible Study was flagged as someone that I knew I wouldn’t want to grow too close to. And, if someone disagreed with my social beliefs, I would bite their head off and would probably assume they never had anything valuable to offer my life (or this world).
Yet, somehow, all of this changed when our circumstances changed and we were both in need of some company.
I couldn’t pass over Nicole and look for the “next best thing.” I couldn’t give her up and try to find someone I’d get along with better. Out here, these girls are all I had. So I had to make it work.
And it worked.
In the best possible way.
We are so different. Yet we have opened each other up in a way that nobody has ever done before. I have become more patient and open-minded. I’ve realized that people who may think drastically differently than I do aren’t bad people. And they’re not wrong simply because they may have a different opinion than I do.
In fact, Nicole has allowed me to ask questions and learn more information about her culture and religion in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m stupid or ignorant. She has made the communication so much easier. Which has led to a better understanding of why she believes the things she does.
This friendship is no longer a matter of survival. It’s not about having the company for a few years and then peacing out of the relationship – never to be seen again.
It’s a lifelong friendship. One that I cherish so deeply. Because it helped me develop into a better, more understanding human being.
In a nation where our people are so divided, it comes down to this one simple thing. We surround ourselves with people who are the same as us and we loathe the people that think differently.
Try to step outside your comfort zone.
Try to develop friendships with people you would otherwise avoid.
You’ll be surprised by what may come of it.
Wonderfully written post. Step out of your box and stop unfriending people just because they think different or have a different opinion.
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Unfriending is a facebook concept only isn’t it? In real life, even your unfriended fb friends show up in your life and you have to deal with them. I tend to agree to disagree with people with different opinions and then have a beer together 🙂
This, so much! It is not easy to make or keep friends as we get older, and finding someone who you really connect with is hard. You are absolutely right, sometimes we have to step out of that comfort zone and when we do the friendships we find can be everlasting.
What a wonderful friendship to have! Often it is those very differences that are so enriching to a relationship.
Good friends are indeed hard to find. These ladies are keepers!!
I LOVE this post so much! One of my best friends now is a girl I met in college and I never thought we’d be friends. A few years later, her boyfriend was my (now) husband’s roommate before we got married. We ended up getting to hang out a ton and oh my gosh, we’re not 100% alike, but we get along so well! Love her! I’m her matron of honor in her wedding next month! Great post!
Totally agree. With age you really want to be friends with only few with whom you can connect. You tend to reduce the number of friends. BUT I believe it is very important to be OPEN to new people BECAUSE you never know when your best friend will show up in your life.
Awww, I love this so much Divya <3
You are absolutely right. My best friend is about as different as I am in every way. And that's never bothered me once, because there is a mutual respect/admiration there, even if we disagree on a lot of hot-button issues. That makes it interesting, different.
I love that you found a group of girls you get on with so well, especially living in an unfamiliar place from where you began to spread your roots. Hold on to those friendships dearly <3
XOXO
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It is SO easy to write off people who feel differently than us- especially politically. Especially in this country right now. I’m glad the oddities of nature and circumstance forced you and Nicole to become such close friends. Sometimes we don’t know what our life needs or what kind of challenges we can handle until there’s no other option!
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It’s true! And I hope this impacts the way I act or socialize when we move back to California!
This makes me miss my girls so much! When I first moved to the town I live in now, I figured it was temporary and didn’t take time to get to know anyone. As it got to be more obvious I would be there awhile, I started to accept some of the invitations I had been rejecting. Mostly because they were all married and young and I was single in my mid thirties. And I ended up making some amazing friends that I adore to this day. But then, life has a way of changing things and they have all moved away. But we still talk all the time.
Anyway, the point is that I so agree with you. Sometimes you have to just go for it and get to know people you might initially dismiss. They can turn out to be some of the best people you know.
It’s true that making friends as a grown-up it’s much more difficult, but when you find them you know they’re true friendships! And yes at the beginning in a new environment you need to step out your comfort zone, but it’s usually worthwhile!! 🙂
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A nice read! I’ve moved many times in my life. I always hated leaving behind friends that it had taken years to establish a great relationship. I live in a small town in Massachusetts, but because my daughter is in a virtual school our friends are all over the state. I’ve learned that traveling to see friends who may live 1 1/2 – 2 hours away is so worth it. I have a really great group of friends now, but I don’t necessarily share all the same hobbies as them. I try to be open to trying new things and have learned to enjoy painting ceramics with them even though when we first did a ceramics night, I lost interest in the painting probably half way through the night. It’s the time spent with my friends that mattered most. I have now embraced more creativity and get into the ceramics as much as they do.
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This is awesome! It’s nice to have friends who offer different perspectives. Discussions are much more interesting this way!
This was a lovely thing to share, and with such a heartwarming message too. I will admit, some things are deal-breakers for me, but I do try to be as open-minded as possible!
I love this post! I am so happy that you have formed these amazing friendships. I always say how hard it is to form genuine adult friendships. I have the same group of girls that I have been friends with for 25+ years but I genuinely want to develop new friendships. I think it is harder. A lot of adults have their core group of girlfriends and maybe aren’t looking for new friends. hmm I don’t know.
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This so spoke to me. SOme of my closest and best friendships are the ones that were the most unexpected
Hahaha I feel like making adult friends is harder than dating!!!! Unexpected friends are the best! All of my besties were totally random people I met! Wouldn’t have it any other way!
I love making friends and as an adult I still make friends especially in the work place or kids school. It is great to step outside your level of comfort to meet new people. Everyone has their differences but those similarities and interests can make for a great friendship.
I love this! Such a beautiful tribute to your sweet friends. It can be so difficult as an adult to make friends, but fortunately there are lots of opportunities and places now to do it. I love that you have learned from them, and I am sure they have picked up a thing or two from you. 🙂
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Your are right in that it can be so hard making friends as an adult! I kind of found the opposite in some ways though, when I lived in the country, I found it quite easy to make new friends, but in the city I felt like there were a lot of cliches and it took me over 10 years to form lasting relationships. I’m glad you’ve had the chance to make good friends in a small town 🙂
This is amazing! I really have a hard time in the current climate not painting people with a broad brush, too – but if I get to know people and develop a relationship BEFORE I know what someone stands for, it’s so much easier to see all of the nuances in a person and appreciate who they are – not just the labels they might fall under. I have a feeling that this is the kind of friendship we’ll all need to be more open to to move forward.
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I’m so glad you have a few good friends in Tennessee! I agree that I’ve bonded with quite a few medical spouses/significant others over the years whom I most likely wouldn’t have been friends with outside of the medical community. It’s amazing how much those circumstances bring people together.
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This is SO true! I cherish some of my unexpected friendships and they’ve really shaped the wonderful person I’ve become!
This is a really fabulous candid post! I love its authenticity and thought-provoking ideas on friendship. Creating friendships as an adult can be challenging, but like you, I have really enjoyed the journey of meeting so many different people . . . some personalities resonate with me immediately, while others, offer different perspectives that encourage me to learn more about myself. Cheers to moving out of our comfort zones!
I love this!
I used to be the same, get rid of friends who didn’t fit a certain mould I had or were too boring, or too hard to get together with.
I admit I don’t have many friends, but I have a few very close friends, and they are truly special.
While we don’t have massive differences, I am willing to listen, to appreciate what they believe, and still value them as the beautiful people they are!
I too am rural (200 people town) and have struggled to make friends here (I understand what you mean about making friends as adults!), but I haven’t jumped at the opportunities like you have, and I guess I am okay with that.
Thanks for sharing a gorgeous story!
xx Angela
I love this post! I have friends from various backgrounds – some are religious and some aren’t, some married and others single, some with kids and some without, etc. etc. It’s good to get to know the people on the inside and I’m so glad you were able to have this with Nicole and your other new friends. 🙂
-Lauren
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What a great post, and oh-so-true! It can be difficult to make friends as an adult, so it is important to try. Plus, it’s nice to have different perspectives and respect from people who aren’t exactly like ourselves!
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It’s true! How can we expect to grow and develop if we shut ourselves off from anything different?
Good friends are indeed hard to find. Great post . It made me think of some of the friendships i have.
When I got severely ill and was hospitalized the first time, I learned who my true friends were. While some come back when things are going well – kind of like a fleeting spring breeze through your kitchen window – I know who I can count on and who I’ll be there for.
My sister.
Hang on to those ladies real tight.
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Wow. I love so very much about this. I agree that it feel SO different trying to make friends as an adult. But your focus on friendship despite (and sometimes because) of differences is … refreshing. We are moving this summer and I’m taking your blog post as a reminder of how to reach out and be open. Thank you. (*Truly)
It’s amazing how the friendships that I never expected to be, turned out to be some of the best and closest relationships I have ever had! And the people I thought would be my BFFs, we haven’t spoken in years!
Making friends as an adult is SOOOOO hard. And I’ve been burned by people in the past, so I have a harder time letting people into my inner circle. I have made some amazing friends through blogging and one of my best friends is someone I met through blogging. We’re similar in many ways but also different in a lot of ways and I think we balance each other out pretty well!
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The moment you stumble across a blog post you never knew you needed! This post about friendship was exactly what I needed to read today! Thank you, Divya
We all change, we all evolve, we gain wisdom and that’s why friendships change. They don’t just change because we move. They change because the perspective of our life changes. I have changed a lot of friends in my life. There are a few friendships that I can say that have lasted over time and distance. But when we open our minds to receive different people we can experience different mentalities and we grow more as a person.
So beautifully said!
It really is so hard to meet friends as adults. I moved in my late 20’s and left everyone behind. It has been almost 6 years and I finally have a good group of friends. It took a lot of time and patience but I finally feel like this is home. It’s a great feeling!
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I needed this post so badly today. It is harder to make friends when we get older and I realize from reading your experience that I dismiss people too easily. Thanks so much!
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I’m the same way. It’s natural for us to gravitate toward people with similar interests and backgrounds. But there’s so much more “world” out there that I’m not exposing myself to by doing it. I guess we’re ever-evolving and this is a lesson I’ve learned and will keep with me forever!
I totally agree! Sometimes the best things in life come to us without a rhyme or reason. I am so glad you have made such lovely friends.