My first class at this OrangeTheory in Chicago was in March. I was planning to do a drop-in session. I couldn’t imagine signing up for a membership when I had access to a full apartment gym. And a stationary bike (that was currently serving as a place to hang my towels)!

I was a little hesitant showing up, but already committed (and paid for the drop-in!).

Needless to say, it was HARD.

My ankle was fragile from an injury. I didn’t use any free weights during ‘floor time’ because I was having a hard time just completing the exercise with my body weight alone.

And at one point, I rolled over to my neighbor’s work station because, in the middle of my crunches, my internal organs turned on me. LITERALLY. It felt like they were all contorted on top of each other and it was so painful. My sweet neighbor stopped her workout to check on me until the coach got there. And then shifted a little to the right to finish her workout. I muttered something about not having done any abs since having my C-section two years ago, tears welling up in my eyes. Mostly out of embarrassment and not the actual pain I was in.

Despite it being so freakin’ challenging, the coaches showed so much support and understanding. I wasn’t going to get that encouragement from using my apartment gym. I wasn’t going to get that motivation from my stationary bike/towel holder.

So I signed up for a month. Telling myself I’d quit after a month if I wasn’t using it.

And, of course, I fell HARD.

Not literally.

Figuratively.

I loved it so much. I loved the community, the coaches!, the workouts, the fact that every time I clicked “Book” on my OTF app, I felt a little giddy inside about the fact that I was doing something FOR ME AND ME ALONE.

I love the fact that the coaches say all the right things. They don’t say shit like, “IMAGINE YOURSELF IN THAT SUMMER BODY.” They say, “There is ANOTHER VERSION OF YOU on the other side of this MINUTE. ARE YOU GOING TO COME OUT STRONGER? THE CHOICE IS YOURS TO MAKE.”

I love it. SO MUCH.

One of the things they tell you when you’re taking an OrangeTheory class is that if you get 12 splat points (when your heart rate is in the orange or red zone for 12 minutes), it will result in an increased metabolic rate for 24-36 hours after exercise. Which will help you achieve optimal caloric burn even after your one-hour workout is done.

When I first used to do OrangeTheory (back in Tennessee), it felt like I was always chasing the orange. Which, yes, is a good target some days.

But, some days, I wouldn’t hit those 12 splat points.

So I’d either 1) feel like a failure for not hitting that mark or 2) ignore the coach and the workout that was designed for us (by a fitness professional!) to do my own thing (not a fitness professional!) that would elevate my heart rate into that orange zone.

Since joining OTF a few months ago, I’ve had a few “all green” days and I can hear that internal dialogue saying, “You didn’t work hard enough.”

I quickly push that voice to the side. It’s the voice I used to hear – time and time again – that made me quickly lose investment in the whole thing. That if I didn’t kill myself and burn 500-600 calories with each workout, what was the point?

Because this older, more mature, WISER Divya recognizes that showing up is the real challenge. That finding something I like doing enough each day is huge. That the excitement I feel when I book a class is an unimaginable win.

Yesterday, after leaving class, I thought back to my first class in March.

And I can’t even believe that the girl who had to splay out across her neighbor’s work station IS ME. The one who was so out of touch with her body. I felt so broken and injured.

And, over the past three months, I’ve gotten stronger. I know it. I don’t need a scale to tell me that I’ve changed. And I don’t need to chase after those splat points.

Just showing up and being consistent over time has changed me. Both physically and mentally.