Well, here we are at 2pm. We’ve had a whole day. But maybe it’s like today and yesterday are smushed together because I was pretty much up all night.

I mean, Riyaan IS giving us longer stretches than Ishu ever did. But, y’know, somehow the wake-ups are still long so it feels like we’re up all night. I’ll nurse. Then he’ll poop. Then he’ll want to nurse some more. And then finally he goes back down to sleep while I take the milk collector and empty it into the bottle in the kitchen. But then while I’m in the kitchen, I want a little snack. And then after my snack, I’ll want some water. After the water, I’ll need to pee.

So, really, by the time I’m lying down again, he’s up an hour later.

So, yes, tired mama over here.

Ishu and Mom are sick. So we’ve got Ishu home from school – yesterday and today. And Ankur’s got a pediatric PM&R conference this week. It happens to be in Chicago. So he’s bouncing between that and the clinic throughout the week.

And I’m tethered to my baby. And when I’m not tethered to the baby, I’m carrying my tantrumming kid home from the park. Or making him dinner. Or playing the dinosaur game with him.

And then getting text messages from my husband that he is at a bar with the conference attendees.

I don’t want to be at a bar. But it’d be nice to have the OPPORTUNITY to be at a bar. (I also got that text while I was nursing my child on the toilet, so it hit me a little harder).

Ha.

Last night, Ankur attended an alumni event at Shirley Ryan. And he came home and felt so happy that he gets to be part of this community of people. I LOVE that for him. I genuinely do.

AND I’m also like, DAMNIT. WHERE IS MY COMMUNITY? I HAD A COMMUNITY. I LEFT MY COMMUNITY SO WE CAN DO THIS MEDICAL SCHOOL THING TOGETHER. AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING ABOUT OUR JOURNEY BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL SAD BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY COMMUNITY AND THE THING YOU’RE LOVING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW IS SOMETHING I’M LACKING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

Anyway, I have all the emotions right now. And Ankur’s going to read this eventually today and feel worried. But I’LL BE FINE. SOMETIMES I HAVE EMOTIONS AND SOMETIMES I EMOTE THEM ON THE INTERNET. WITH BIG CAPS LOCK LETTERS AND TEARS FALLING ON MY KEYBOARD. AND THEN I CAN MOVE ON.

I am so happy to get to do this thing all over again with Riyaan.

And I also sometimes want to be the person that can just grab my keys and head out to the bar at 2pm.

Y’know?

People say you can have it all.

And you can.

But you cannot have it all AT THE SAME TIME.

So, this is my newborn mom phase.

I’m sure I’ll get back to a “2pm bar trip with my work colleagues” phase in a few years.

Okay, that is all. Thank you for reading all the emotions.