Good morning and happy Friday!

I don’t know how we’re already nearing the end of January. I’m still over here trying to figure out what my new year goals are gonna be. Ha.

Why does life feel like IT’S FLYING BY?!

Still, I’m patting myself on the back for brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, and putting SPF on my face this morning.

Maybe that can be the goal this year. Just brush my teeth before 3pm? Throw on some SPF every once in a while. It’s more than I’ve been able to keep up with for the past four years. Small progress is good, yeah?

Ha.

Okay, anyway, it’s been a quick week. Probably ’cause Ishu was home on Monday and Tuesday. And we were holed up inside for both of those days. (Except for a quick outing for me to book club!).

And then, since then, I’ve been trying to get Riyu out to do some things to pay back for hibernating.

So the apartment feels messy. The to-do list hasn’t been touched. But it’ll all be fineeeee.

These are small problems.

Nothing is urgent. The dishes will get done. The laundry will get folded.

It’s fine.

(I think if I keep telling myself that, it’ll feel fine, right?)

In other news, my therapist suggested I use the “How We Feel” app to give myself opportunities to check in with my body and mind throughout the day. And I think it’s been helpful. If nothing else other than to give myself a moment to PAUSE.

I think I give myself ample time for “ME TIME” because I find ways to read books, go to book club, do the things I like. But, I don’t really give myself time to sit still.

I was reading “The Frozen River” in bed last night and chuckled to myself because there was a line in there that said, “I am not a woman given easily to tears. They’re useless things that serve only to make your voice waver and your cheeks wet.”

I mean, I am a crier. I can typically cry at the drop of a hat.

But, since becoming a mom, I feel like there isn’t TIME TO CRY.

And, well, these two sentences made a lot of sense. The woman that this story is about – Martha Ballard – had 9 kids and was a midwife. No time to cry.

But I think my body is holding on to all these suppressed feelings and emotions and the pause I give myself is helpful. To really check in on my heart.

It’s so clear how much I look to distract myself with other things when I start to feel something. Laundry. To-do lists. Scrolling.

Heather, my therapist, during one of our sessions earlier this month, suggested I write some of my thoughts down. And even in those few seconds where I was thinking about the prompts she had suggested, I started to tear up and then IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CONVERSATION, I opened up my email and refreshed it, and deleted a spam email. It was like I have been programmed to ignore any and all feelings that start to surface.

NO MORE.

Okay, well “no more” is like impossible. But, I’m going to really try to let myself FEEL THE FEELS. This app is free and helpful and it uses AI to help you ‘go deeper’ if you need it. But, mostly, I love that there’s a speech-to-text feature, so even if I don’t have time to sit down and type out what’s going on, I can just talk into it for a few seconds. And that, itself, feels like a release in some way. Speaking the thing out loud.

Okay, this post is all over the place. As is my brain.

Going to go to the nature museum now with the babies! BYE!